Undoing Programming

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If I was programmed, how the hell do I undo it? I am in a serious state of despair and just want to give up. The suicidal ideation is strong, I am so fatigued and the depression just hovers there on a daily basis. I still move, thankfully, I still get the things done I want to get done, thankfully, but the self loathing is sickening and the urge to just die is so strong. The other night a part introduced themselves to me called ‘Cracker’. I am worried this is a bomb part in me and it will go off if I get to close to memories. I’ve read about this and am worried that I have a freaking bomb in me, then immediately I think I am being melodramatic, making the whole thing up and am such a liar, then I proceed to beat myself up and then wish I was dead. Argh. A horrible pattern, I know! You think I feel comfortable with the thought of sharing this with anyone? I realise how sick and sordid this all sounds and you must think that I am crazy. I certainly do.

A little earlier I was in bed writing and noticed a few ants crawling on my bed. I freak out when I see ants and wondered where they were coming from. I looked down on the floor, at the side of my bed and there is about twenty or more crawling around, by my journal book filled with all my dark, sordid writing. Oh brother. Were they anywhere else? Like on my partner’s side? No! Of course they weren’t. Thankfully he came home and we moved the bed out and sprayed the area, changed the sheets. I am tempted to throw the towel in and move out. I pride myself on being clean. I certainly am not obsessive compulsive, but I clean the house every week, or less, but this rental I have moved into seems to be inhabited by bugs and it stresses me out. In particular, I hate ants. They follow me every house I move into. Obviously one would suspect there is some unconscious projection going on, but what irks me about the unconscious is precisely that – it’s bloody unconscious. How the hell do I bring it to my consciousness? Neuro Linguistic Programming states all behaviour change is unconscious – that’s fine if you are working on integrating a few disconnected parts of self (ie. that may be having trouble making decisions), but in the case of repressed memories and dissociated parts, how do you know whose behaviour you are changing? When the terror is all so consuming and my automatic response is to run away with my tail in between my legs, despite my headstrong attitude leading up to it, how do I learn to stick with it and process things unconsciously consciously?

I feel like I am failing big time at the moment. Does anyone else feel like when you are in the low of all lows that God just seems to disappear? I know God doesn’t force himself on us, like an abuser does, but I just wish he could look after me and help me feel better. I often think I am just hanging around waiting to die. I wonder what the point of it all is, I ponder over the futility of existence. I marvel at people who seem to just get life or be happy, who seem to be blissfully ignorant of this devil’s playground we are in. Suckers to mass mind control and domination. Slaves of the media and force fed lies and more lies about who we should be, look, think and act like. Constant images of bondage and sado masochistic sex pump out of the music stations and people bop their heads along, subliminally swallowing messages that cajole us to drink, have lots of sex, get off our heads and just enjoy this ‘one night’ – like partying was ever that good! I mean really. I used to party, take the drugs, dance on podiums, snort powder and dance till way past dawn and sure it was fun, being high usually is. But what about the come down? The washed out look, the depression, the dry mouth and skin. The diarrhoea? Maybe someone should sing about that. But no, let’s use a mind controlled celebrity slave to sell us the partying lifestyle and urge us to tell society to fuck off because it’s Friday night and ‘we wanna have fun!!!!’. Let’s not work and not earn money and prostitute ourselves on a Saturday night. Why not? Because hey, I can’t wait for the weekend to begin so I can do it all again.

Man, I am about to explode. So freaking over this life. Somebody get me outta here.

Published by Leni

I am a 42 year old woman and survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I was always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was extremely disconnected from the way that I felt in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kickstarted my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am in my tenth year of sobriety and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. This is a blog about Dissociation, Satanic Ritual Abuse, God and other stuff. I live in Melbourne, Australia. Please stick around and share your thoughts too.

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