A part came out tonight in therapy. Her name is Broken. She has felt such despair and depression over all that has happened. She feels beaten. She was beaten. She gave up. Didn’t understand the point. They were bigger, meaner, tougher. She was never going to win. She’s been out for a while. Since we lost the fight. Maybe her middle name is Defeated. T reminded me (her) that things have changed, in many ways we have won by changing things in our life. So the present is radically different from the past- where she is stuck.

T suggested I draw Broken, so I did. She was a stick figure hunched over in a box/ cave full of snakes. She was paralysed with fear and hopeless desperation. Then T got me to choose a figure and bring Broken to life. I put some blocks around her to represent the cave and then I just took them away. I told her we could collapse those structures now and she was safe. I put lions in there with her to represent God and His protection. Then we gathered in other parts of mine that are currently in T’s office in a small boat. The problem was Broken was too big to fit in the boat, so we decided that she would pull the boat. She was strong enough to do that and it gave her purpose. Other female parts came out to help her. I have all the figurines as T has gone away for four weeks so she said I could keep them whilst she was gone. She suggested I talk to Broken every day. Broken Defeated Lyon. It’s time to help her move past her spirit of defeat and powerlessness.

Redefining burfdays

I have had a difficult relationship with birthdays all my life. I know deep down it was a time when I was abused and so I have always felt incredible dis-ease leading up to the event and on the day. Last year I dissociated and just felt really on edge, at least until I was at work and feeling safe again.

Last night I tried to recall actual birthdays I have had. The only birthdays I remember are my 21st (parts of it) and my 30th. That’s it. I have a couple of photos of me celebrating birthdays when I was a child, but I just hit a blank wall when I think about how I celebrated the day in general. The event just feels “wrong” to me. Dangerous.

I have definitely felt under spiritual attack the last week, perhaps it was because it was getting close to the big day, but I prayed a spiritual warfare prayer on Wednesday night and since then, although it didn’t fully ease until today, I have felt stronger in mind and spirit.

A couple of strategies worked this year. Because I knew I would or could dissociate I decided not to celebrate my birthday, so to take the pressure off. I did celebrate it informally with my husband last weekend. He gave me a present a week early and I liked that. I talked to my parts last night and reminded them they are safe now and that we had therapy tonight (on my birthday night), so they could tell T anything they wanted then.

I am going to buy cheesecake on Sunday after I fight, as I don’t want to put on weight prior. I might even put a candle on the cake and I am going to give my dogs a small piece each.

I saw S today. She looked beautiful and alluring as always. She brought me happy socks. I miss her and it is hard. I guess I always knew that with time, feelings fade, she was so staunch it wouldn’t happen, but I see it with her. I guess you just become a memory. Or not. Like me and birthdays I guess.

Keeping doors closed and spiritual warfare

I believe God doesn’t want us to engage in the occult or spiritism/ mediums etc because when we open up the veil to the spiritual world it reveals the darkness. Beyond this, there is light, but it needs to be revealed only in Gods time and only by Him. Otherwise, deception occurs. Remember, Satan can appear as an angel of light. We are easily fooled.

I saw into the spiritual world when I was young. I must have been three or four years of age. I remember my mother told me to get something from my room. I ran up the hall and when I was in my bedroom I saw three or four little kids throwing stones at my window. They were calling me names and trying to get in. I was so scared. I literally froze and forgot what I was doing. I managed to get myself out of the paralysis and went back downstairs. I didn’t know what to say to my Mum and just said I forgot what I was doing. It was a very strange experience and has always haunted me. I now believe they were demons.

Another time, I was about eight or nine and I awoke from a horrible nightmare. The devil was at my window, trying to get in. There was a red Lamborghini behind him and I woke up in intense fear. I screamed out for help, but no one came. Eventually I visualised that I had the courage to turn on the light and was able to lie back down and fall asleep. The fear was palpable though.

Lately I have felt under much spiritual attack. I haven’t been able to pray and the devil has been sitting on my shoulder. Last night I prayed a spiritual warfare prayer and it has helped somewhat. I have to go to battle. It’s the only way I am going to get through and not give up. Even when I feel like I want to.

Garden of my mind

Experience seeker, hello. Found myself pulling out weeds today, you crossed my mind.

Still growing inside me. Tried to pull you out. Root got stuck. In a dreamy wonderland.

You’re probably out, flying high.

Head in clouds. Giddy excitement, adventures new. You deserve tender touch. Flirtatious eyes, not sad eyes. Open heart, not pained heart. Set soul, not scattered soul.

Life ticks on, like an old clock. Evening sets. Another day passes. Security prevails and there is a reason so, quit painting bodies in your mind. Turn over the soil, let the worm eat your hand. Dive back into the earth and take root again.

You will be rejected if people know the truth…

Best keep it hidden.

Best shut your mouth, put on your best behaviour and best smile. Best dress.

Don’t want to rock the boat.

No need to cause a scene.

Stop making it all about you.

You should be over it by now.

We have closets for a reason.

Pain is all in the mind- quit rehashing things.

Move on, make peace, be merry. Life’s too short. Be more God like and forgiving.

Is that ego or pride getting in the way?

Don’t send that letter. Don’t tell that truth. You will be rejected. You will be the cause of all divide. This will prove it’s all your fault and that you caused everything.

And deep down there’s a part of you nodding furiously, “yes, yes, it’s all me. Yes. It’s all my fault. I can’t even remember why I am causing all this fuss. Forgive me for being such a drama queen. I must have made it all up. I’ve always liked stories. I just really am a big failure and needed to bolster my ego. What a silly way to do it! Forgive me for getting in your way. Let me make it up to you. Let’s bury everything I’ve said and pretend it never happened”.

But it’s always there. It can’t be undone. It breathes heavy, like the elephant in the room. It weighs a tonne. It smells in the darkness.