For a very long time I had difficulty expressing myself. Because I lived in my head, it was difficult to untangle my thoughts and put words on paper. The conversations were all had in my mind, probably between all my parts, although at the time I didn’t know that’s what was going on. I think there was a scramble program in place anyway, I remember feeling confused a lot.
For a long time too I struggled to think that I had anything original to say. I would often plagiarise. I felt like everything had been said, that I had nothing to contribute. I still struggle with that at times and will fish out things on the internet to act as stimulus when writing papers or reports. Partly that’s to do with me developing a professional language related to work things, so I am still honing a style here. But it’s also to do with me feeling as though I am not very clever or that I am a bad writer (insert not good enough etc). The more I get to know myself and let my parts talk, the more connected and confident I feel to express myself. The negativity aside, I know I am developing and getting better.
This weekend I have been participating in a PhD thesis writing boot camp. It started Friday and ends tomorrow and is very intense. But you know what? I am doing it! I have written 17,285 words so far!! Some of it has been compiling and inserting stuff I have written in other pieces, but it’s all coming together and I am getting on with the task. I am also not judging the process. I think that I am going to actually complete an 80,000 word thesis. I can’t wait. It’s another 62,725 words away… but hey, that’s less far away than it was two days ago!!
Now I am tired, so tired. It’s been a long day.
and here is a part expressing herself last Voices clamour.
Poetry from a distance.
I remember when…
Hot breathe on a neck, holding, tasting, biting.
Now I desire from afar.
Is it the romance of a memory or the childish need of wanting what one can’t have.
I woke from a dream. Her body pressed against mine.
Hell screams out from under the covers – I have succumbed to the flesh.
I am the flesh.