“I’ve just got to get through tomorrow”, I said. Wondering if, when the day after tomorrow comes, I will really be alright. I hate Halloween. We hardly celebrate it in Australia, but I still know it is coming. People dress their dogs up in scary suits and post them on Instagram, there are news stories and even at the bakery on the weekend there were cookies with spiders made out of icing! Yuk.
There is so much going on at the moment I am finding it hard to keep a grip on it all. I am leaving my husband due to a confused sexuality, misshapen identity and heart felt love for a woman. A new chapter, a new beginning- there’s something exciting about it all, yet it is tinged by sadness, shame and guilt. I’m trying not to buy into the voices that tell me i failed my marriage, I used him, I’m a sinner, a failure. I succumbed to my desires, flesh- I am useless, weak, selfish. Another dramatic action of mine affirming that I am bad.
She went away for a couple of weeks, she just got back. I dissociated as soon as she got on that plane. A cold, hard switch. I got on with things. It was nice to have some thinking time to get tasks done that I had been meaning to get onto for some time now. Yet I was empty. Emotionally dead. I talked about it with my therapist. We deduced that I had gone into avoidant mode to cope. I was okay with it, at least I could get things done. My busyness a valuable asset. A week later we dug a bit deeper. Maybe being emotionally dead wasn’t so good? T said that for a child to cut off like that meant something real bad had happened. Switching off, to be so blank and cold was the end result of knowing that no-one could save me. Abandoning the idea that I was even abandoned. I wish I knew why I felt that way, but I couldn’t remember.
Last night she arrived home. She came over and told me stories about her travels and it was so nice to hear about them. She was so happy and chirpy and sweet and tired. We went to bed. A part came out and asked if she had gone away. S explained that she went on a study trip for uni. Later, the little part asked S if she was killed, if it was really her here with them. S assured the little one that she was real. Soon S fell asleep but my parts were active for a while. I could hear all their voices in my head. It was hard to handle.
I called a committee meeting. It was restless. I tried to address a few things. The system feels fat- so we need to stop eating ice cream and sweets. Everyone has agreed. The little ones are a bit disappointed, but I shouldn’t blame it on them. My servings are too adult for them anyway.
We would run more. It helps us stay slim and we feel good about ourselves.
I think I fell asleep after we decided on that. I woke, feeling insecure all day. I listened to Christ centred songs on the way to work and they helped balance me. I cried in the car. I felt God saying He loved me and that I would help others one day who were abused like me. I didn’t know whether I could sit with the pain. Did they really take people away and murder them? They never came back. I gave up. I wondered why it wasn’t me, I kind of wished it was. No wonder I dissociate when my partner leaves. I knew it was a pattern, for years I had done it. I forgot who they were. When they came back it took so long for me to connect with them again. Sometimes days, weeks. I feel distressed and sad. I am fighting voices that call me ugly and fat and disgusting. I think maybe it will calm down after Halloween passes. My experience tells me this stuff passes, it is very difficult to be in it though. I just want to be by myself and keep distracted and busy. I don’t want anyone I know or care about to see me like this, except for my dogs. When I am deep in programming, like I feel now, I just wait for time to pass, until something shifts. That’s passive isn’t it? Yes, but right now, I feel tired and weak and can’t get my combat gear on.