Hunkering down

I’ve come down with a cold. Had my first Covid test today. Haven’t got results yet but presuming they’ll be negative, but who knows. What if? I’ll deal with it when it arises. It’s difficult to take time off work though as too much on. A good day in bed would solve it… or would it? I have some obligations to fill and happy to do so. Keeps me out of my head. I think I need to go back to co-dependents anonymous soon. Get some dosage of recovery. I’m losing my grip and worry it could all come crashing down. I feel like it’s often going to come crashing down. Winter is a good time to go back to recovery meetings. You can hide under beanies and big jackets.

Gulf between us

I do wonder sometimes if I have the capability to get seriously close with anybody. A woman at group spoke about it a couple of weeks ago. She told of some horrendous memories she remembered and I asked how it had impacted her relationships. She said that it kept her distant. Even though she has been with her husband for 30 years, there’s distance. I feel that. I edge close, I run away. Being divided, the concept of giving all of myself seems nigh impossible. I am left with a gulf between my selves and others. There but not. With but without. Close but far. Connected but disconnected.

Update

I’m having some transference with my therapist lately which I guess is a good thing. Better with her than others I guess. My parts feel like she hates them. I think it’s one part in particular. T said she came out last week but I don’t remember that much. I must write down what happens otherwise i forget.

I am very dissociative and little tonight. I am in bed and I put a folded dry clean towel between my legs. It helps me feel safe. I think it’s because without it, I feel like I can’t walk. I feel it between my legs and it makes me feel a bit safer I guess.

T said the parts need to be able to come out more and be held by me, but I think what happens is that they come out and then I just dissociate and forget to soothe them or help them. It’s hard to put that into practice still. But I will get there. Mostly I’ve just gone internal as of late. There’s a lot going on but I can’t really say it. I am in my head. It feels lonely there but it’s very distracting and there is always a lot to do.

My beautiful friend J is in hospital and she had her first round of ECT. I hope it helps her. It has been a rough ride.

I have to reapply for my job so feel very stressed and overwhelmed. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and go do something different with my life. Although I have done well to create meaning and purpose I often think what is the point. Maybe I should move to another country and be a missionary or something, to get out of self and just serve other people. What’s the point of trying to serve self? It seems like an endless selfish pursuit for nothing.

Give expression

Giveexpressiongiveexpressiongiveexpressionexpressionexpress expression give me expression the expression express the expression choking expression can’t breathe expression mouth covered expression ants crawling expression ghosts crying expression mouth covered expression give expression express the expression give me expression I want the expression to do some expressing he she they me expressing the expression nothing is expressed to centre the expression but express express express express suppress suppress express the expression as expression it is in built expression shove her down street expression mixed up with wrong crowd expression haunted street expression son is gothic expression sleeping angels expression coughing into mouth expression guilt she is guilt persecute the expression get it out expression no judgement expression writhe with me expression abhor her expression beaten down expression can’t walk expression crawling expression mistreated expression utterly defiled expression under covers expression so much to do expression not enough time expression unsure of who’s who expression memory incapable expression build skills expression learn things expression tight rope expression struggle by expression buy house expression can’t sleep expression give express the expression fighting suppression shout from roof tops expression want to fight me expression scared of club expression not good enough expression tired of expressing don’t know what expression is give expression deep down expression embarrassed to be me expression temper down expression shoot me in head expression unsure what to do expression can’t move expression can’t breathe expression again can’t breathe expression I said I can’t breathe expression pain shoots through me expression sadness hits expression it passes expression that’s an expression of interest

Energy

Yuck Good Friday. Got through day well and now triggered. The disgust, shame and fear crawling over me. It is memory of disgust, shame and fear dear parts. They put this on you. It is not you. I can feel it now. Thank you for sharing. I hate feeling it. I hold my breathe. I wish I was dead.

I’ve been listening to this D.I.D podcast and it is annoying me. Not once has she mentioned abuse – as though the dissociation pops up out of nowhere. It’s not a show piece. Its carefully crafted, designed and manipulated. I feel very small, but angry and just need to hold my toys and sleep. I will do better tomorrow and work hard to ground myself. I feel like I’ve let everyone inside down with not being able to help. I will try to help them tonight in my head.