Last week was difficult as I was in parts for most of it. I just had a feeling on Sunday that it would be a bad week and what do you know, it was. A few things came up as I dissociated on Monday evening after being triggered at boxing. A part revealed that they think husband hates them because my dad (their dad) used to say he hates me (them). So the part or parts believe that everyone hates them, because for them to be born and not loved properly makes them feel as though they are not worth living and worthless. They also hate the concept of love as for them it is the same as sex and they don’t like sex. The part revealed “they” used to whisper in her ear “I love you” while having sex with her and then later say “they” hated her. It is no wonder the parts beliefs are skewed. The thing that confuses me is that these parts belong to me, so these are beliefs I must hold unconsciously. And because the unconscious drives us so much, how much am I playing out these belief systems in all that I do? Like is this stuff separate from me or is it ultimately in control of me?
On Monday at boxing I found myself in the usual spot of “freezing” whilst sparring. I was getting hit quite a bit but couldn’t defend myself. I just froze. I ended up in tears that night and then dissociated later and I worked on some stuff with Patricia in prayer ministry. She helped some parts expose negative belief systems that were getting in the way. Eg “it’s not safe to fight back”, “I deserve to be hit or beaten”, “I can’t fight back”. So even though my kids aren’t out whilst I am boxing, these beliefs are under the surface and I think the cause of the freezing. My trainer said today that he has never had to deal with anyone who freezes in boxing before. People usually fight back when they are being hit in boxing lol! I thought that was strange and realised how my responses are so connected to my trauma. Anyway I felt a shift today when I was sparring again so I am hoping the work I did on Monday night has cleared some stuff.
I am also reading a book about a survivor of ritual abuse and really identifying with her story. She talks a lot about the unfathomability of the abuse and how it took her so long to accept the memories. I really identify with that. I feel like I have had memories two years ago but still have not fully processed them. I have done this work through prayer ministry and believe that God has soveriegnly dealt with the negative effects, but it still feels like there is stuff there. Memories are important to me because I want to piece together my story. I feel like I am missing pieces of the puzzle without them and that makes me sad. I would like to have a clearer narrative and fear I won’t get this. I understand that I am quite well functioning and perhaps remembering would mean that I don’t function as well. Who knows. Having said that, I realised I am dissociative about two weeks out of each month so that is quite a lot of not being “me”, whoever that is. There are many good things about being dissociative but not really knowing who I am or what I want is very difficult at times.