I have probably had depression since I was a child. It was just something I lived with, a sense of ‘nothingness’, no purpose, triggered by my abuse. In some respects alcohol and drugs kept me from ever really feeling it, but no doubt contributed to it. I am on an anti depressant, I have been for about seven years now and it definitely helps. I don’t really feel any side effects from it and don’t even notice that I take it, but I am glad I do. I exercise, I eat healthy, I have faith, I practice faith, I do recovery; yet the depression – a sense of despair – just sits underneath all that I do. My coping mechanism of keeping so busy, works to disconnect me from ever really feeling it, which I don’t necessarily see as a bad thing. Lately, the last six weeks, I have started to develop an observer self, a self that notices the depression and feels it. It is heavy, it is sad, it is negative. It shames me, it makes me feel like killing myself. It makes me think there is no real point to life. There is no meaning, despite the fact that I have placed meaning in my life, that my life is actually full of meaning, it doesn’t seem to matter. The heaviness is oppressive and overpowers me. Suicidal ideation has been big for me as of late. Mostly at nights, in bed, I just wish I could go be with God. I talked about it today with my T and we realised that I have likely had these persistent feelings for many, many years now, but that I have just suppressed them. As I am starting to heal, I am feeling the depression. T said that depression is a mask for anger and for grief. She talked about different options – neurofeedback (expensive but I am not ruling it out), emotional release work, feel the feelings or upping my anti depressant. I don’t think I want to do the latter, but I won’t rule it out. We ended up doing some EMDR, based on the negative belief that it is all my fault and that I am guilty. I couldn’t recall a specific event, I just know I was told this and I felt it so deep within me. T started EMDR and then a little part came out. She told T that she just hated looking out and being so big, meaning that she was only little and trapped inside an adult body. T said she could still be little and gave her a bear to hold. Then T asked what the opposite to feeling its my fault is and the little part said, feeling like it’s not, so T started to do EMDR based on the opposite good belief. Once that went on for a bit, we stopped and I started to feel fear and then I had a body memory. I shivered and shook and just breathed real shallow and T covered me with a big pink blanket and soothed me. Eventually the fear subsided and then the session was over! It has taken me five years to get to a point where my therapist could sit in front of me and watch me have memory. It was scary and I was vulnerable but T said that I was strong. I felt pretty shaken when I left but also much better as it was good to release some of the emotion that has been so repressed.
Earlier today I went to a Christian radio station and was interviewed about my satanic ritual abuse testimony. I was there for three hours because we did so much talking, but the interview only went for 50 minutes, in two parts. I might share it on this page when it comes out. It felt good to talk about it and I felt that I had a good grasp on being able to communicate SRA from a lived experience and also speak to the power of Christ. I spoke to my SRA survivor friend on the way home tonight and it was really cool to speak to her about stuff. She told me some pretty horrific memories she has had and I felt sad but privileged I could hear her and believe her, because I know, although it is shocking and sick and depraved, that it is all true. I think I am angry deep down at how they hurt me and how they hurt others, but it is still buried so, so deep. I hope I can release it safely over time as being depressed is not the greatest way to live my life, I know that.