Difficult day, great night. Allow me to explain. Woke tired and sore. I’ve strained my gluteus medius, basically the side of my butt lol. Anyway no running for me today, hopefully tomorrow. Went to large shopping complex to get some Xmas stuff and just found myself getting dissociated and anxious. I think it was over money. I’m feeling the pinch this Xmas and I know it’s gonna sort itself next year but it’s been tough going out on my own. I’m certainly not in dire straights but I am dipping into my savings (at least I have some). And then I just started getting so tired, came home and tried to sleep but couldn’t and I was just out of it. Blank, dissociative and feeling disgusting, ugly and absolutely drained. S was getting ready for university graduation, I was going to be joining the procession later but honestly wanted to crawl into bed and never come out. Pride can be my best friend as I would never let that happen, so I just sucked it up and caught an Uber to the ceremony. More on that later.
I ended up having this massive acting out moment with my ex husband. I’d organised to meet up with him this coming Monday to see each other before Xmas. It’s a big thing, our first year apart and I suggested we buy something nice for each other to wean off and then next year just do something silly like socks and underpants or something. I said I’d buy him some nice jeans and he could get me some perfume, but we’d go shopping together for it when we meet.
He texted me to say he’s already got my perfume and let’s meet at a Japanese restaurant on the Monday. I’m like, okay but then we’ll go in to MYER and get your jeans and he’s like, no I’ll give you the size. And I responded saying, no let’s just get you to try them on quickly (I’ve been shopping with him a few times, it’s always a painful experience because he hates it so much, but it’s necessary because some things don’t look that good on because length is a problem etc). Anyway we’re back and forth basically trying to get our own way and I just cracked it and said, don’t worry about it. I’m tired of everything having to be on your terms. I’m asking for one small freaking thing to make sure we get you something nice, that fits properly and you can’t even bend a bit to do this for me, and with me, so basically I’m over it. I’m not going to see you, have a nice day. And I just fought with him on text because it really pissed me off. It made me think about all the times I had to argue with him over stupid things just to get him to do something that really wasn’t that hard. It was always about him not wanting to be controlled or being petulant or him wanting to have the power. And I’m talking stupid things. Like me having to get cranky for him to go and get a haircut or shave his beard when he knew facial hair was a trigger or even put on deodorant! Yep. And this stuff made me feel like shit. Shit that I had to even push for that, shit that he didn’t respect himself or me or want to look after himself for me. Shit that that’s what I had chosen and a constant reminder of how worthless I thought I was. My conversations with him on text brought it all back.
Went to graduation and it was a very beautiful event. I felt so honoured to be watching hundreds of students graduate and celebrate their achievements. It was so special! The event was like a big royal ceremony with processions and gowns and funny hats and long speeches. I was so proud of my students. Such a big accomplishment. I had lots of photos with them which was really cool. Then I had to go to a farewell dinner for a big wig at work and it was all the leadership team and the Dean and I was the youngest person at the table. I was told more about the “plans” for me, and I’m just thinking, the job sounds really big and I am completely under qualified but of course I will say yes and just pray for sanity at each and every moment.
Tonight was the first graduation ceremony I had ever been too. It was emotional. I never went to my graduate ceremony for my undergrad. I actually took out the award for best undergrad student and I received it but I never knew you had to sign up to actually graduate. I was so not present to the world, probably didn’t read emails or letters or take information in. So I just thought once I got my transcript that was me done. Seven years later, I went to apply for my masters and needed to show my certificate. I had to go back to the university, only to find out I never graduated. Of course I paid what I needed to in order to get my certificate, but when I received it; it had 2013 as my freaking date of graduation, not 2006, when I actually did, because I had to have the actual year I applied for graduation on my certificate. It was really disappointing. So tonight reminded me again how worthless I thought I was for so many years. How I didn’t even honour the achievement of my undergraduate and winning the top student award. I saw tonight how much of an achievement study is and getting a degree and it is something to be celebrated. When I get my PhD I will go to my first official ceremony as a student. Everything I do is backwards. My first ceremony is as an academic not as a student. Backwards programming.