Giveexpressiongiveexpressiongiveexpressionexpressionexpress expression give me expression the expression express the expression choking expression can’t breathe expression mouth covered expression ants crawling expression ghosts crying expression mouth covered expression give expression express the expression give me expression I want the expression to do some expressing he she they me expressing the expression nothing is expressed to centre the expression but express express express express suppress suppress express the expression as expression it is in built expression shove her down street expression mixed up with wrong crowd expression haunted street expression son is gothic expression sleeping angels expression coughing into mouth expression guilt she is guilt persecute the expression get it out expression no judgement expression writhe with me expression abhor her expression beaten down expression can’t walk expression crawling expression mistreated expression utterly defiled expression under covers expression so much to do expression not enough time expression unsure of who’s who expression memory incapable expression build skills expression learn things expression tight rope expression struggle by expression buy house expression can’t sleep expression give express the expression fighting suppression shout from roof tops expression want to fight me expression scared of club expression not good enough expression tired of expressing don’t know what expression is give expression deep down expression embarrassed to be me expression temper down expression shoot me in head expression unsure what to do expression can’t move expression can’t breathe expression again can’t breathe expression I said I can’t breathe expression pain shoots through me expression sadness hits expression it passes expression that’s an expression of interest
Yuck Good Friday. Got through day well and now triggered. The disgust, shame and fear crawling over me. It is memory of disgust, shame and fear dear parts. They put this on you. It is not you. I can feel it now. Thank you for sharing. I hate feeling it. I hold my breathe. I wish I was dead.
I’ve been listening to this D.I.D podcast and it is annoying me. Not once has she mentioned abuse – as though the dissociation pops up out of nowhere. It’s not a show piece. Its carefully crafted, designed and manipulated. I feel very small, but angry and just need to hold my toys and sleep. I will do better tomorrow and work hard to ground myself. I feel like I’ve let everyone inside down with not being able to help. I will try to help them tonight in my head.
During the last fortnight of therapy, I played with sand therapy and met some protector/ gatekeeper parts and two internal perpetrators- machine men parts.
When we finished the activity last time, we talked with one of the machine men. His role turned out to be a cutter of parts internally, and he became open to considering taking on a new job. T reminded me, we had suggested he become a wood cutter to help make tree house cubbies for the kids. So today we gave him his new role, however he thought the kids would be scared of him. T said he could assume a new identity if that helped and so he became a samurai wood cutter. He is in the sand tray below but he is next to the wood blocks so it is difficult to see.
Then the other machine man decided to join and assume a new identity. He is on the right hand side of the picture and his job is to look after the little ones and stand guard for them. They can read and draw around his feet whilst he stands guard and sing songs if they want.
There was a key in the sand tray and I felt the parts were giving me the key, so I took it. It was like they were giving me control/ access. You’ve got the key to turn this on or off…
Finally, T commented on the dark tree still sitting in the sand tray. I said I wanted to smash it. So she gave me a baseball bat and I put it on the ground and I smashed it and broke it. I felt charged and angry.
Then, it was time to go home.
We are going through a rough patch. Mentally and physically. Last night our eyes swelled up and we could hardly see. This morning it wasn’t much better. Turns out we have an allergy. So today was part rest although it was still busy. I know we’ve been having bad dreams the last few nights which have been playing on our minds. We dream of the family having killed someone and then having to pretend to cover it up. In the dream everyone had this massive story we all had to believe and tell the police. I just remember feeling so guilty and bad, like we were going to get caught and go to prison.
It is ritual month and nights of madness. Sleep comes and goes. the eyes: we don’t want to see what happened again. We want to be able to breathe again. Too much heaviness, sleep kicks in.
I feel so deeply worthless at the moment. I work hard to achieve things because I enjoy it and it helps build my esteem. But it seems like nothing I do is ever good enough or the feeling of shame and not being worthy returns full circle.
Stop trying. Lord, I give up.
I said to her, let go, He will catch you. Yet I’m afraid to stand down. I am exhausted.
I hate birthdays especially kids ones. Think they’re all clever and safe but they have no idea. Stupid family fake ass gatherings and procedures. Wish I was dead.
Voices in head. Sick of playing Mrs nice guy. I see you in memory and want to fight you. Get your filthy hands off me. You disgust me jerk face. I’m gonna be sick.
It’s excruciating lying next to you. I want to sleep on the couch and be alone. Alone. Alone. Maybe I can watch the football and fall asleep with television light on. If you weren’t here I’d do that. I’d sleep with my clothes on.
Forgotten where I am and why it’s necessary to exist. I hate families. Oh god they make me sick. Just leave me alone so I can sleep. I prefer work. Activity. Espionage and high speed drama.
Reference below. Found this in my notes and tonight it rang true. Copying here as reminder to self and whomever this resonates:
“Actually, all of life is more than we can handle. The point of living in a fallen world is not for us to try really hard to carry our heavy burden, but rather realize we can’t do it alone and surrender to God instead. That’s what faith is all about.
Everything is more than I can handle, but not more than Jesus can handle: “For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself” (2 Corinthians 1:8).” https://relevantmagazine.com/god/7-unbiblical-statements-christians-believe
Tonight my therapist and I did sand tray therapy. I’ve tried it with her in the past and it was good but this time it felt more powerful. Like I could see (and kinda feel) the process working. T got me to pick figurines off the shelf who represented the adult protector parts from last week. So I ended up picking quite a few and put them in the sand tray. The representation all seemed very obvious to me.
At the front is robot, behind him is a tough protector girl; super spiritual. Then in the middle is fighter man. To the side of him is a protector man who can mentally block anyone from the outside. Then there is a guard dude. Behind the fighter man is a bridge, and a cauldron pot being boiled over fire. Then there are the two evil soldiers who told T to F off b**ch and I’m gonna kill you. She acknowledged they had been hurt, that she didn’t believe they would do that and understood they believed the lies of the perpetrator. She said we don’t need to accept their hate, or something like that but we can still hear them.
T asked the fighter dude if he could see what was behind him and he just said darkness. Then we talked about monsters and it turns out all the protector parts believe in monsters (both inside and outside of system). Also there is still lots of internal punishment going on.
T talked to fighter part but I think he’s not sure about changing roles yet or cooperating with anyone. She asked the other protector parts what they needed and they said rest. Go figure. It’s hard being on guard all the time. Finally she talked to the evil machine dude at the back, on the left. His job was to cut and slice people up. I’ve had many fragments say they have been cut into half or bits. T mentioned he could have another job cutting and building tree houses for the parts and cubbies. He’s thinking about it. People might be scared of him. Who knows. Anyway I feel exhausted and just want to wake migraine free tomorrow to join group.
I missed fragments group again today because I woke with a terrible migraine and had nausea and threw up. I slept till 11:30 am and then had to go to work for afternoon meetings. The headache finally dissipated and I feel back to normal tonight. I’m not sure if it’s coming off the back of therapy on Wednesday evenings as this has been two Thursday mornings in a row. If it happens again next week then I guess I’ll know and I will change therapy as I don’t want to miss out on the group.
My T and I did play therapy. I asked her if she would lead it and direct as it’s very hard for me and my inner parts to drive this stuff. So she set up a little rug on the ground and then got some figurines from her wall. She’s got a whole wall of shelves lined with toys and figurines. She got out an African zoo animal set where the animals were seated on chairs and they sat around a table with drinks. There was a lion, a zebra, a rhino, a cheetah, an elephant and a giraffe. Then we got baby animal figurines of the same type of animals. Whilst the big animals were having a committee meeting the little animals got to ride around in a boat. T set it up so they could look at things whilst we went around the lake. So she put out a mermaid on a sea shell and trees and then we got out Mr Frog 🐸 and Mrs Snail 🐌 from last week.
When we checked in with my system – using the toys as a representation of the parts- there were a few observations.
- The little ones said we need to keep quiet otherwise we would get in trouble.
- My T said we could make as much noise as we wanted but the little ones were unsure.
- They felt they would get into trouble. T asked if they would by the bigger parts (the parents) and the little ones said yes.
- Playing and having fun was quite hard and awkward and my little parts were very activated but watchful and trepidatious.
- To end the play session, T checked in with the African animal committee and they said that it’s not all fun and games and that there are serious matters to be discussed. T acknowledged them and agreed that there was and that next time we could talk about more serious matters. They just wanted her to know most importantly that this is serious.
I can’t remember much else and then I left and came home and my head started hurting and so when I woke up it turned into a full blown migraine. I think the play therapy is unlocking inner world stuff but it’s hard for me to process as I am so busy. I will attempt to do more check ins with my system to see how they are travelling and to open up a dialogue.
I went to a hip Asian restaurant tonight in the city and felt cool, somewhat part of a scene. It was so busy and felt “normal,” pre Covid normal. It’s been weeks of malaise and this time last year was when lockdown hit us in Melbourne, Australia. Then it was 9 months with only a few weeks of grace of loose restrictions in between. I keep wondering if it’s going to hit again. I can’t help but think the government will go at us again… one more swoop down to jolt us back into fear state so we are banging on the doctors door for a vaccine. Get me a bucket.
I’m frustrated. Annoyed by a few gatekeeper administrative types who have “service” in their titles, yet do everything on earth to make your job and life harder. You know the types. That was half of my day, spent with passive aggressive over burdened bureaucrats who drain all joy from others lives. I’m being harsh but they make me want to smash computers against a wall. I find these personalities so irritating. I have tried, believe me, to work with them over the years but they’ve worn me down. Tomorrow’s a new day, and perhaps an opportunity to adopt a new outlook, yet tonight my blood boils. I think it’s the shifting goal posts, the passive aggressive tones, the over emphasis on minutia that grates me the most. It’s the “I’ll help you” one minute and then “don’t bother me, this is all too much” the next that is destabilising. Of course it triggers me. It’s the games the cult people played. Constant destabilisation, shifting things, confusion tactics, false promises and undermining. Grrrr.
Meanwhile; shits going down in politics with rape allegations and people are acting surprised. It’s not the rape allegations that get me; it’s the incredulousness from people. “Really? How could this happen? It happens in high places?!” Yes. Yes. Yes. Very high places so untouchable you can’t see them. And they love it. Arseholes.