Lockdown is over in Melbourne as of tonight, sort of. We still have to wear masks and social distance and can’t travel past 25km radius. I feel like I am in 1984. My tolerance for the government is at an all time low. The system. It’s triggering me. The psychological games and warfare. It’s intense and I’m tired of having to give a shit about a hyped up cold. I’m sorry if I lose a few readers here, but I don’t believe in Covid and yes, I believe in a new world order and governmental control and the push to a technocratic society. It feels good to say it. I’m tired of being afraid to speak out for fear of being labelled a conspiracy theorist. I miss God and want to go back to church. I hope I get to go next Sunday. I feel called back. It’s been a while and I’ve tried to stand on my own two feet and of course came crashing down. Negativity, shame, paranoia, guilt, self loathing and suicidal ideation. All the fun stuff. I’ve lost hope and my self esteem is shot. I’ve lost perspective about the light being stronger than the darkness. I am silently praying to die every night – an old pattern. I am jaded by the University and my beliefs in it as something good are fading. People, places, things can let you down. God doesn’t I guess. I just let Him down. No, that’s false self talking.
I tried to reach out to a friend on Monday and at least made the phone call. I cried. I said it’s hard to know what’s real or not. When the voices inside my head tell me life isn’t worth living, that I am not good enough, I don’t deserve anything. It’s hard to know if they are right or if there is truth in what they are saying. The feelings are too intense and I want to suffocate them. S is sick and I had to get her cold and flu medicine and so I got myself some cold and flu with pseudo ephedrine and took four. It just gave me a small buzz, made me not hear the voices. I know it’s old behaviour but at least I’m writing about it. I guess I just feel as though I am climbing up a big brick wall and it’s relentless and exhausting and I don’t feel like I can do it or what’s the point but if I don’t cross over it then I’ll never know. Maybe that’s what keeps me going. The thought that surely there has to be something better on the other side.