The practice of knowing and wanting.

Heading back home and I can’t wait. It’s been a blast being away but I notice I am hyper tense and aware of my self in rather self conscious ways. It was difficult to have any alone time. I tried my best to keep up my training schedule, which I was close to achieving. I remained vegetarian, I didn’t drink alcohol, but I had many late nights and ended up taking some marijuana jellies and got stoned. I found the high pretty fun and light and didn’t zone me out too much. I felt pretty in control, although I was definitely out of it and it’s been about eight years or so since I’ve had dope. It’s legal in California, which it ain’t in Australia. I’m embarrassed to admit I did this for fear of judgement from any readers, but it seems weird to hold this information in. It definitely messed with my head at times and I quite liked taking the jellies without telling anyone and just playing “normal”. I used to do that a lot with drugs, it felt like a game, so it was interesting I started doing this almost immediately. The truth is right now I feel very vulnerable and a bit all over the shop. It’s been a thrilling experience but I have been battling my inner demons again… not feeling worthy, out of my depth and a bit like a fraud. I did genuinely have a great time, I just think these negative thoughts and feelings have been simmering underneath my every day. And I want to crash into S’ arms and just be held. All week I’ve been listening to Freedom Ministries podcast, which focuses on the belief that once we access the kingdom mind and heart set within, then anything is possible. And so I practiced imagining the success of the film and releasing the belief systems that I am not worthy, it’s all my fault and I deserve nothing. It felt good and possible but then I could feel and hear my parts activated and the disconnect between my adult willing self and my traumatised parts started to reveal itself. And my little ones felt scared and confused and I imagined holding them and telling them it was okay. We were okay. I want things to align. I need to keep practicing and entertaining the thought that anything is possible, even for someone like me.

Filmmaking Adventures part 2

The air is good here and the backdrop of the desert mountains is spectacular. I do like America, there is something very special here. It’s an interesting place.

Things went well for the screening- so well! I listened to a very good podcast in the morning, from Freedom Ministries and the speaker talked a lot about our thinking and our heart and how God desires to make all things happen for us. Its about what I dream and what I want. Knowing what I want has been the hardest thing and also being able to dream fully has been hard too, because I’ve had to cut through so many layers of not feeling worthy. I know I have come so far and this trip has proved it for me. I have chipped away at my mental health and recovery for over ten years now. The last seven years has been the most effective as I’ve done it sober and not having substances to fall back on has meant that I’ve progressed further in my journey I think. More so, because I am cleaner living and also I was being so negatively affected by the alcohol and drugs that it was necessary to stop and deal with life in a sober manner.

It’s early this year, but I am starting to cut through those beliefs that I am not worthy and not good enough and that things are my fault. That program is dying and I feel the love of God and the replacement of His thinking driving me. I am worthy. I am capable. I am making the right choices and decisions.

I dream of getting a sales agent and distribution for this film and I dream of making at least two more films, maybe more. The adventure feels like it has just started and I feel blessed to be on it.

Filmmaking adventures

I’m in Palm Springs at the film festival for the launch of our film. Red carpet premiere tomorrow. Can’t believe it. Nervous but excited and just looking forward to having the experience. I have already learnt so much and met so many amazing people. Today I went to the mountain where the aerial tramway goes to and it was covered in snow. We spent five hours walking in the snow, climbing rocks and bathing in the sun, eating sandwiches and chatting, meditating and with huge smiles on our faces looking out at the scenery. The air was so crisp and refreshing and I felt like a little kid. My little ones loved it. The snow is just the best. It is so much fun! I can see why people love the snow. I am meeting such wonderfully intelligent and rounded people.

Filmmakers, artists are terrific people, full of good stories and passion for life and challenging and bettering humanity. I am always being asked to critically think about things and the way our world operates. It’s good, it keeps me from naval gazing. I feel blessed and ready for this adventure, although I was feeling super nervous and out of my depth before I came. There’s lots to say but I’m a bit in my head at the moment, forcing myself to write and keep track of my thinking.

Proposition 1: enjoying sex is a political act for a survivor.

Our bodies were violated, scorned, spat at, twisted, prodded, touched, felt, grabbed, pulled, wrestled, poked, man handled, slapped, pinched, injected, infected, squeezed, fisted, spanked and gripped in ways that no child could or would say yes to. We left the experience, leaving the body, as a shell, a mechanism for which other bodies could intersect with. Our minds split, neural pathways diverged and fragments emerged, setting off for high country adventures and escape tunnel digging.

Now, as an adult, to find someone you can be with and indulge in consensual, safe, healthy erotic love making that actually turns you on is a revolutionary political act and a big F**K you to your abusers. Celebrate it when you can.

Wrapping things up…

Christmas time is a false lie wrapped in tinsel. It’s grief and disgust baked in ovens. Burnt. Hot naked fiery overtures. It’s my body shuddering and praying for it to be over. It’s red pain, black hearts and limp smiles. It’s dissociated touching and unwrapping of gifts. It’s a time I tried to reframe and make good but then memory came and I gave up. It’s fake drama with celluloid happy endings. I removed myself from the family and then became a third wheel in all situations and was increasingly on the outer. I only have myself to blame. They destroyed Christmas for me. I never want to celebrate it again. I long for a silent retreat and to sit quiet rocking my body back and forth to comfort the ones who I lost and who were taken from me.

***********************************

I’ve gone away with S to a small cabin in rural Victoria. It’s super hot and dry here, but the place has a bath and should be just good to chill. It’s not fancy or anything, but it is just nice to get away. I had nightmares last night and aches and pains down my legs and back due to having the flu. It hurt so bad. Hoping tonight it does not strike me again but I have taken ibuprofen so thinking that will work.

Despite being grateful to be away, I feel stressed and anxious. There is so much going on and I just can’t shake these feelings that I am a failure and a loser. I know it’s programming. My thoughts are very negative and shame based- I’m ugly and disgusting and worthless. It’s sad I know. I don’t tell S how I am feeling because I don’t want to burden her with my negative thoughts. They just sit with me, underneath all that I do.

I am trying to pray and reach out to God. I will do so tonight before I go to sleep and imagine His loving arms around me and my parts, asking for Him to help me let go and to receive.

Letter to my parts 7 of 7

Dear parts,

Last night I wrote dead parts instead of dear parts! I managed to edit it, but it did make me think that this is how many of you feel. Inside me, many of you are dead, yet to be woken and healed. When you come out I don’t mind as sometimes it makes me feel as though I am not crazy or making things up. It makes me feel like I’m discovering more about you and myself.

I wanted to write these letters just in the lead up to Xmas and its aftermath to let you all know I am here and want to get to know you all. I also wanted to remind you that we are safe now and life is very different to what it once was. I know that’s hard for many of you to believe but if you watch me, you will see that things are simple and safe and relatively carefree.

Today I was sick. My body was full of aches and pains and I threw up! I must have a virus from being sick with a cold recently. I wondered too if it was remnants of the memory you shared with me. My hips and back hurt so much today. It is too unbelievable to share but I want you to know I believe you and hear you. It was good to rest and do nothing all day, although it is not nice feeling unwell. Tomorrow we go away with S for five nights to a little house built by an artist! It will be good to get away and we all need to relax. It’s been such a big year. Sometimes I wonder if we will make it through life and sometimes I know there are many inside that really don’t care. The world seems so complicated and mean. It’s hard to battle through it I know. But we need rest now and get our energy back. I’m sorry you are sad and hurting and I want you all to know I am listening and that I love you.

Love me.

Letter to my parts 6 of 7

Dear parts,

I’m sorry today was so hard. We woke so sore but went for a run, even though our body was in pain and then I felt your memory and it was hard to hold it. When we got back, we told S that we just needed her to hold us for a bit and we shook our body whilst she soothed us. You asked if she hated you and if you were bad and she said no. These are the lies of the programmers and I am sorry they said such evil things to you. They are the bad ones. The family environment was good today, although I know everyone inside is over feeling like a third wheel. We wonder if we will ever feel comfortable on this day or how we can make it our own. Back at home it was nice to take the dogs for a walk and then finish watching the movie “Elf”. It is such a funny movie and you cried, because the spirit of Christmas has been destroyed for you all and it can now only be found in movies. I think it’s like that for lots of people little ones. You told me you feel scared and sad. Tonight we will just hold our toys and stay in bed. Each day is a new day.

Love me.