Got super triggered at this mixed SLAA meeting tonight. I wasn’t sure if this was the right one for me and tonight kinda proved it. Way too many men (young and old), plus weird dynamics all round. It was really hard listening to men talk about their porn and lustful addictions and objectifying women. I know it’s a safe space and people are coming there to get better, but I found myself starting to feel really sad and angry. When it came my turn to share I was brutally honest about how I felt. I said it was hard for me to listen to men and I understood many had been abused, but it just made me feel so angry and shameful and scared, because I was abused by multiple perpetrators. I was finding it really hard to not cry and also to stay present. Afterwards, I left straight away and I rode home on my scooter. It’s 125cc so can ride pretty fast on freeway and I pretended I was Lisbeth Salander from Girl with a Dragon Tattoo (the one played by Noomie Rapace) and that made me feel tough. I screamed out loud when I was riding fast and swore heavy profundity at the perpetrators. It made me feel a bit better, although I did wonder if I would really care that much if I had an accident and catapulted in the air to my death. It was fleeting, as I thought God has kept me alive for this long, I might as well keep on going to see what he has in store for me. That’s progress I guess. I have just sat in the suicidal ideation in the past, so it definitely is shifting. Now, I just feel sad and empty. I just want to be held and I am glad I sleep with toys and dogs.
Touching the deep wound of shame is hard. I can only do it a little bit at a time but I am sure it will all add up. Sometimes I am angry I have to heal and recover, but I guess I don’t really know what else I would be doing. The real world doesn’t really interest me, at least most of it doesn’t. Mmh… I think I just got stuck in my head because it feels safe in here. That’s my protective mechanism. I can feel myself get sucked into my self like a vortex and it feels like an opiate. It’s a place where nobody can get me and I feel so good about that. This is dissociation. My safe drug. It’s a place where nobody gets hurt because nothing happens.