Earlier this week I felt a specific type of programming breaking down. I have always felt I had black (widow) spider programming. Basically, all I know is that the memories are protected by a large black spider and I haven’t really been able to get past this due to the fear. Plus the large spider stops me all the time. One night this week, whilst lying in bed, I felt the big black spider coming out of me. It is still really disgusting for me to think about, but I sat with the grossness and just let it happen. It felt good it was going. It has been there for a long time, so I am not sure why God let it dissolve now. I only remembered it this morning, so I thought I better write it down and record it.
Last night, I woke in the middle of the night screaming really loudly. S woke up and asked me if I was okay and I said I had a bad dream. She asked me to tell her about it and a little part came out and said that my brother was standing above me whilst I was in bed and he was going to cover my face or mouth and told me this metaphor about a car and the little part cried and said, “but I’m not a car, I’m only five” and then she shivered and cried. Then I had what I know to be multiple moments, lying in bed and parts coming out in my mind and taking over. They didn’t talk out loud though, just in my head. The little part was still awake and asked S if she was Italian and also if she liked spaghetti. The little part said sometimes she liked spaghetti, but sometimes it is like worms. Eventually we all fell asleep and I felt a bit spaced out this morning, but okay. In some ways I am glad that I had this dream/ memory as I have known implicitly my brother was involved but sometimes I just don’t believe it. I hadn’t had an early memory like this (before the age of 9), so I am glad God showed me. I am glad that I don’t have contact with my family and this proved that I have made the right decision. My mother rings my ex husband even though I have cut off contact with her years ago. She tries to access me this way. It disappoints me that he talks to her. I don’t expect him to hold a grudge, but unfortunately it is like he is siding with my abusers. He doesn’t grasp the spiritual aspect to SRA and that I can still be accessed by them through him. It is sad that he dismisses my parts like that. I have tried to explain on a number of occasions and he just doesn’t seem to get it.
It is progress that I had a dream/ memory and that my parts came out. I would have liked to have stayed home all day in my pyjamas, but I came to work and fulfilled my obligations of a busy day and getting things done, which has made me feel good. Underneath, I am sad and disconnected but I know everything will be okay. I guess I just don’t understand why people are so sick, why they are so mean and bad and why little children and young people get hurt.