This week has been very intense and difficult. I am fighting waves of depression, low self worth and negative voices. There are moments of quiet when I forget I am feeling this way, but this doesn’t last long and I sink back under. There is so much change going on, this is likely triggering my emotional distress. I can’t quite seem to get a grip. I feel like I am losing myself, as though I keep forgetting who I am and the structures around me, once familiar, seem strange and foreign. I want to shiver and shake and cry, then I forget and switch back into “reality” or “work mode”. Perhaps my system is giving me a glimpse into my fractured self. The good news is I have been able to sit a little bit with the distress and depression. I have kept exercising and eating well and tried to do some self soothing things, like watching kids movies, eating ice cream and cuddling my toys. That’s pretty big for me.
I have found when I talk about the way I am feeling that it does ease the burden so I am going to work extra hard to not sit in the silence of the negative programming. When I remember to call out the Lords name, I experience a wave of repressed emotion and some relief. He just wants me to keep seeking Him. I must keep my focus on the Lord, as hard as this feels, because I feel ashamed and unworthy. I have to trust that His grace and love will see me through. It’s funny I believe this for other people, but I find it difficult to accept for myself.
The other aspect of my D.I.D. / CPTSD is that I have a very damning voice that abuses me when I am feeling low (as if I wasn’t feeling low enough). This voice attacks me and says I am being selfish and self pitying for feeling depressed and bad. My therapist calls this the “Eating Disorder Voice” (because she first experienced it with someone in this context).
The voice becomes my abuser. I abuse myself. It gives me no right to feel this way. It says it is all my fault. It says I am to blame for feeling this way. It is a voice of no hope but it can reason, it just reasons in a way that renders me powerless. The voice binds me and the pain becomes inescapable because I am the one causing it. I am trapped. Maybe that’s why it came about. Because I was trapped, there was no way out. It’s a strange phenomenon – I was trapped so my mind twisted and turned on itself – to survive? To protect myself? I don’t know why. It feels so damaging. I hope to get to the bottom of it and work out ways to overcome this very powerful level of programming. Sometimes I think if I don’t find a way out of this, the voices will beat me and I won’t survive.