I was cleaning up my office yesterday and discovered something I had written about eight or nine years ago – this was before I fully realised I was SRA and had DID. It was also at a time when I was drinking and using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Thankfully, this is out of my life now.
To dissociate now is different from what it was then, which is a blessing. It was very intense in the past, but that was also because I didn’t really understand what was going on and I had not been diagnosed properly. I didn’t realise that being triggered was emotional memory and my parts being activated. So, how did I dissociate in the past?
Well, there were different sides to me – I was disconnected and angry. I had a need to be destructive; wanting to have it all, but end it all at the same time.
I felt scared, untrustworthy, fearful. I had a fear of others trying to control/ manipulate me or hurt me.
I would get choked up, unable to speak or communicate, I would feel violated. My mind would race at one million miles an hour and I escaped into it, attacking myself, becoming slightly catatonic; wanting to thrash about in rage and say really horrible and nasty things to my partner, but unable (thankfully) to say the words aloud and / or even move.
I felt different, a heightened sense of being ‘other’ (obviously that was me in parts, but I had no idea I was multiple then). I was acutely alert, yet found it difficult to retain information. Scared – mostly scared; ill at ease. Scattered, as though I couldn’t think straight and I struggled to breathe properly.
Ready to snap. I felt angry because of the confusion of wanting to shout out in absolute rage for it all just to stop, but not sure what it was that needed stopping.
Thoughts would dawn on me in terror. “Oh God, I think my mother was involved”. How could she have been? That is such a terrible thought to face, such a contradiction to who I thought she was. I fear that I am making it all up and wonder why I would do such a thing.
I had an absolute fervent desire to get to the top of this mess, but unable to switch off this sabotage button that gets triggered. (Again, I now know this was not a sabotage button; it was parts being activated – I just didn’t have the language for it yet).
Then I recorded, what it was then that triggered me:
- Being out of control and / or in the moment
- Being vulnerable
- Having too much fun
- Loving too much
- Letting myself go
Its sad to read my triggers above – no wonder I was so miserable all those years back! To think I walked around like that for years with no clue as to what was really going on. Even though I was seeking help and therapy, I just had no idea as to the depth of the trauma and the pain. I was also just so disconnected from self. I guess I just did the best I could, but reading the above gives me a little bit of compassion towards who I once was and why I acted in the ways that I did. Sad stuff. 😦
Praise God I have now discovered (even if I am still amnesic) more of why I am the way I am and that I am seeking the appropriate recovery and help.