Tonight I went to an AA meeting and it was a new meeting for me in a relatively new suburb and so I didn’t know anyone and they are all hardcore AA’s there and I just felt different, not terminally unique, just different. Since getting sober life has gotten so much better, but I also discovered I had DDNOS / DID and that I have dissociative parts and am dealing with memories of ritual abuse. So sometimes I get very depressed and suicidal and it is because I have been triggered or one of my parts wants to speak to me – not because I am not “doing my program”. I know that I have had a spiritual experience, this is absolutely due to having worked the twelve steps and having found God in my life. I just feel like God is the real redeemer for me and not AA as such. Don’t get me wrong, I needed to do the drill and take action, do the suggested things one day at a time and through doing this I was relieved of the desire to drink alcohol. I just feel like I am going to be judged for the way I work the program. Like I am wrong, I am going to get in trouble (pick up a drink) or …? I think I have just been triggered by the meetings. Not that it will stop me going back I just need to know that it is not meetings or humans that will keep me sober, it is God. This week has been a good week. And I have written a blog post and that has been a long time coming.
Published by Leni
I am a 40 year old woman and survivor of ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I am always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was (am) extremely disconnected from the way that I felt (feel) in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kick started my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am over six years sober now and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. View all posts by Leni