Back to normal tonight, which feels so good! I’ve had a nice weekend. Yesterday I saw two movies with S; Almovodar’s “Pain and Glory” and “Jo Jo Rabbit”. Both, excellent. Trying to see as many Oscar contenders as we can in the lead up to it. And today we picked up my scooter / motorbike from M (he left it out for me). He’d taken off the viser from my helmet and my eyes weren’t used to the speed of the wind on the freeway. I had sunglasses on which helps, but as I rode back my vision got extremely blurred and I genuinely couldn’t see. It was really scary and I just started praying and trying to breathe through the intense fear I was experiencing. It was really full on and I almost pulled over on the side of the freeway because I was so scared. But I thought I would just have to get back on it so I might as well keep going. I tried to be aware and stay present of the feeling of fear and what it was doing to my body. Eventually I got to an 80km zone and at that speed my vision returned to normal and I was okay but shaken up. I calmed down when I got home and I didn’t dissociate, which was impressive. I went for a 2.5 hour run, begrudgingly, and that feeling didn’t go away the whole time. This marathon training is doing my head in. It’s so intense. I can’t see myself doing it in the time I have set but I still have a few more weeks of training so we will see. It’s hard work on my body and mind.
I said to S tonight that my favourite thing in the world is when I am back “normal” (and all I mean by that is connected to myself) and I feel connected to her and loving and kind and together. It’s nice to just feel it and be grateful for these moments, considering how depressed and suicidal I have been feeling. It passes.