….”if we encourage vulnerability, then what is our responsibility once the chaos of emotions, exposure, scrutiny, and other response are unleashed?” (Hahn, T, Atlantis 30.2, 2006).
Today it hurts. I do not know how to do anything other than writhe in this existential pain. I keep moving, because that is what I do, always, but I feel slow and incomplete. I want to cause trouble, because it would keep me distracted, but it seems to cause more pain. I have to sit in the silence. The article talked about ‘Deep Listening’. If I listened deeply, would I hear the howl or would it remain behind closed doors? It hurts to listen to the pain inside, there is so much of it and it overwhelms me, you know. I judge this as being pathetic. I am a victim.
Fighting space. Imaginary movements – I move my body in my mind, I want to break free, but it is taking time for my brain and body to catch up. I am stuck in old patterns and behaviours.
A codependent discovery. My feelings are dependent on the feelings of others. I can distinguish this in a professional context – most of the time. Inter-personally, I am all wrapped up. I want X to be happy. When X is happy, I feel secure. I did good. I am good. When X is unhappy, I did bad. I am bad. When X is sad, I created it. I create misery. Intellectually, I understand I do not have this power. I have to remind myself. I am not that powerful. They said “this is your fault”, “you did this”, “you caused this, you filthy, dirty, little slut”. I assumed power. They lied. I am not that powerful. Please connect for me emotionally. I want to let this go. Head and heart to play catch up.
Programming. I want to smash my head against a wall. It is programming. I understand it, but the compulsion is there. Even Robot said I cannot talk anymore, because system will go underground. I told him we must keep fighting. He went silent.
The gates wide open. Body pressed against the floor. She writhes in her head. I NEED THEM TO PRAY FOR ME. I want to be this being of light and goodness and responsibility and moral integrity, but I am just a lying, SAD contradiction. It is just best to shut up. But then that is passive and I should be active, but then I am too active, so I turn inward and eat myself up.