Calm to the end of the week

It has been a very full on week. 8:30 pm Friday and I am in bed, but I’m okay with that. Today I felt such relief after yesterday’s despair. Praise God for these moments of serenity. Moments when I can feel inspired and energised and connected and want to do life, not end it.

Lots of internal self reflection, inner fighting, sadness and confusion. Lots of prayer and daily conversation about God. He has connected me with a community of survivors and I feel blessed. Now, I’m just tired and calm and so thankful the noise has quitened inside my head.

A dissociative night.

For P as catch up and as my record of events.

Last night I dissociated in a very full on way. It was likely because of the prayer ministry session on Wednesday night and then also seeing S (high anxiety), and some screenings I saw last night- the power of the moving image to speak to our unconscious.

A new part, Alison came out whilst driving. I was safe enough but def not present and probably driving a bit slower than I usually do. When I got home, M was awake (his flight got cancelled yesterday so is leaving today), and he was nice to the parts and said they should go to bed. They asked if he could come pat their head and he did, but first he had to go and get petrol! When he came back the little parts had five questions for him, plus two things to tell him.

1. Did they live in Australia

2. Did that mean they lived in the desert

3. Do Aborigines live here

4. Are they good or bad?

5. Is M a bush ranger?

Then they told him that the man who lives in our bungalow is a sex addict (this part is psychic), which isn’t good because they see all the spirits attached to this. They also said that the parts had to attend a funeral tomorrow (today) because 100 robots had died – computer malfunction. Body parts everywhere.

After all this, the part said they had to go with Jesus to the new Hotel for Parts.

And then I fell asleep. I did have some bad body moments of needing to stretch out as I just felt so tight and in so much pain, but it passed and I slept okay.

Today I feel a bit better.

Driving

Helo, my name is Alison. I did a naughty thing and came out when we were driving. It was ok but a bit scary. I don’t have my drivers license but other driver parts helped and I held the wheel. Please don’t be angry at me. I don’t know what to say but I wanted to say that. I think it would be better if we could all fly or just be zapped home. The car rides make me sleepy and I forget where I am. I better go to bed.

An existential howl.

….”if we encourage vulnerability, then what is our responsibility once the chaos of emotions, exposure, scrutiny, and other response are unleashed?” (Hahn, T, Atlantis 30.2, 2006).

Today it hurts. I do not know how to do anything other than writhe in this existential pain. I keep moving, because that is what I do, always, but I feel slow and incomplete. I want to cause trouble, because it would keep me distracted, but it seems to cause more pain. I have to sit in the silence. The article talked about ‘Deep Listening’. If I listened deeply, would I hear the howl or would it remain behind closed doors? It hurts to listen to the pain inside, there is so much of it and it overwhelms me, you know. I judge this as being pathetic. I am a victim.

Fighting space. Imaginary movements – I move my body in my mind, I want to break free, but it is taking time for my brain and body to catch up. I am stuck in old patterns and behaviours.

A codependent discovery. My feelings are dependent on the feelings of others. I can distinguish this in a professional context – most of the time. Inter-personally, I am all wrapped up. I want X to be happy. When X is happy, I feel secure. I did good. I am good. When X is unhappy, I did bad. I am bad. When X is sad, I created it. I create misery. Intellectually, I understand I do¬† not have this power. I have to remind myself. I am not that powerful. They said “this is your fault”, “you did this”, “you caused this, you filthy, dirty, little slut”. I assumed power. They lied. I am not that powerful. Please connect for me emotionally. I want to let this go. Head and heart to play catch up.

Programming. I want to smash my head against a wall. It is programming. I understand it, but the compulsion is there. Even Robot said I cannot talk anymore, because system will go underground. I told him we must keep fighting. He went silent.

The gates wide open. Body pressed against the floor. She writhes in her head. I NEED THEM TO PRAY FOR ME. I want to be this being of light and goodness and responsibility and moral integrity, but I am just a lying, SAD contradiction. It is just best to shut up. But then that is passive and I should be active, but then I am too active, so I turn inward and eat myself up.

 

Trust in the Lord.

The words that struck out to me today was Trust in the Lord/ from Psalm 4. It has been very difficult for me to do that today but He is faithful and persistent. I am thankful God intervened and connected me to P. Tonight I did take different action. We chatted on Skype and I found out more about her fascinating story. I journaled and prayed and I feel a bit better. Yeah, I won’t deny there’s part of me that doesn’t want to admit that. But it’s true. I thought I was going to go to bed little and in memory, but I stayed adult and cared for my little ones.

I also prayed for S and asked the Lord to put an angel around her bed and an army of angels around her room to keep her safe and breathe light into her.

Praise God, He is Good and Almighty.

The truth will set me free, but first, I will be miserable.

Heard that line today on a codependency podcast.

My head is all jumbled. Part bad sleep, part neediness, part codependency realisation crap, heart break, part memories, shame, self loathing and fear. And I feel deeply sad and lonely. I have a real desire to be little but trying to maintain adult self and tolerate the feelings.

The man on the podcast said that people pleasers generally had no power to say no. I couldn’t say no, I get that. Now, he says I can replace those decisions with more affirming ones. I am making decisions/ choices (even when I don’t like the outcome… ie. sitting in this state of depression and inner turmoil…), so I am taking action in this moment (even if it is negative), so it is about training our brains to take new action.

I feel the slightest bit better hearing that but as I sit in the bath, and feel myself crying (because it is dissociated), i also feel stuck. Like scared I’m not going to be able to stop repeating these negative patterns- of thinking and action. I’m worried maybe I’m not strong enough to do Gods will, to overcome this darkness. As though some days I just feel it will swallow me up and I wouldn’t even be that upset about it. As Chris said on his blog once, just as he was about to commit suicide, a voice (of God) said “you’re playing into the enemy’s hands” and he just replied, “I know that and I don’t care anymore”. Thankfully God intervened in his case, but I deeply connect with this sense of resignation that he once felt. Like the biggest imaginary weight rests on my shoulders and I am the only one who can take it off, but I have run out of energy.

Good things: I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, two beautiful dogs, food, toys, an education, a good job. I like to exercise, I have faith- Jesus is my shield (I don’t feel this tonight sadly).

I know it will pass. I just got to get through tonight.

Church can be triggering.

Today has been a strange day. I woke fine, prayed and then left for church. As soon as I stepped out of the house, I felt funny. Dissociative. Voices were telling me (TRIGGER WARNING)

…. that they cut us open and put objects in us. That got me thinking about the triple helix system that P can hopefully help me break with Jesus. I got a takeaway coffee and then arrived at Church. I have just started going to this small community church. This is my third week. The last two weeks have been trigger free, but I was mindful that they have about 40 minutes of music that is very loud and lots of people have their hands in the air and shout out “Jesus” etc. One of the band members looks like a friendly version of my dad, but I find it hard to look at him. I thought this part of the church could get a little overwhelming so have been arriving about ten minutes late so I miss some of it. As soon as I got there I just went into parts. I worked hard to ground myself, which did help somewhat, but I had to escape to the bathroom. I did need to go, but just started shivering and shaking. I eventually came back and this woman came up to me and asked me if I was okay and said she thought I had left. I replied that I needed to go to the bathroom. Then this man came up to me and touched me on the shoulder to say a friendly hello and I reacted all startled. I mean I have no idea who this guy is, but he was just trying to be welcoming. Then a woman (who looks kinda like my mum) held my hand to say hello and I am just thinking, “can you Church people just chill the f*** out”. The woman who M and I did marriage counselling with goes to this church (not the greatest connection I was hoping for!). She sat in front of me and spent the worship song time colouring in a book. My parts were just watching her, wondering why she was doing that and thinking that maybe she had parts too. They really wanted to ask her why she was colouring in. It made them want to sit at the back of the church during the song time and just colour in.

Anyway finally the song stuff ended and the pastor introduced his son. The son had been on this amazing missionary trip to Africa. He looks like this wholesome version of Brad Pitt and jokes about looking for a wife. The whole family is just one of those “good families”. It is very foreign to me but they do exist. He spoke for a long time but it was really awesome to hear him and it made me want to be a missionary.

Then I had to leave and head to a boxing interclub sparring match. I didn’t think it was a competition thing, so was pretty relaxed about it all. The girl I was fighting with said hi to me and was very friendly so that made me feel good and safe. So we fought and then they announced the winner- and it was me! I won my first fight. It was just a little informal thing but it made me feel good. Prior to fighting, God revealed that my parts don’t want medals because the cult awarded those medals that hurt others. So today I think He was showing me that it was safe to win and that He was breaking the medal programming.

Not that I want to fight again but I am happy to do stuff like this because it is not as anxiety producing as the big events.

Trusting myself.

Today I went to an Al Anon meeting. I actually went to one on Wednesday night also, and although I think getting out of self was good for me, I wasn’t overly inspired to go back to that meeting. Today was different – the meeting was gentle but heavy. A woman said something that got me thinking deep. She said that for a long time, she couldn’t trust herself, because of previous suicide attempts. It activated memory in me. Because of the type of abuse that I endured, I was made to act out and hurt others. I won’t go into detail here, but as other SRA survivors will understand, they make you do some very sick and twisted stuff and it can involve killing. I relate therefore to this idea of not being able to trust myself. I was programmed not to trust myself. If parts trust me, will I turn around and hurt them? This body, this mind has been capable of doing bad things, so of course my parts have been scared. I think this programmed disconnection and forced lack of trust has blocked me from being able to empathise and have compassion for myself (and therefore others). Bastards. It makes me angry, tired and angry. At least I have made this connection though. I hope this can make way for trust to be built and compassion.

I have been blessed this week with some serious random Christian survivor love. P and I are going to start praying next week and I have followed a blog of Chris – https://jesusdeliversfromra.wordpress.com/ who bravely shares his story about healing from SRA by the supernatural healing power of Jesus. We both have a “blue” part and Chris’ post’s have been very informative to me. He has also mentioned me on his blog and it makes me feel really warm and special. I think there is something very bonding when you know you share a similar past with someone, particularly when they are Christian. It is like finding your brother or sister in Christ. It feels like unexplained, unbreakable love and respect. If you are reading this Chris, I intend to draw an inner landscape based on your instructions. Thank you for this detailed information, it is very impressive and helpful.

My husband and I will be separating soon. I have pressed him to take action and he has agreed. He is choosing to sleep in the other room from now on, as of tonight, so this will be weird. We have been like ships passing in the night and cohabiting for a while now. Although this has been an horrific experience, I feel somewhat at peace over what is happening and I sensed some relief in him too. It is sad, but I have been grieving for some time now already. I do not believe God advocates divorce, however I believe that he has forgiven me and I think I need to do this for the next phase of my healing and recovery journey. I worry about the idea of being alone, but I am not alone in Christ.

I was reminded today that it is by his Grace that we are loved and favoured. How cool is that? Just pure love and grace. I was reminded today that “the way of the wicked will perish” (Psalm 1) and that “God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong”. (Cor. 1:27). I am tired of being strong (or trying to be). I want to be weak in His arms for a while.

 

 

 

 

Finally learning how to pray

I listened to a Celebrate Recovery podcast this afternoon and the pastor suggested the following method to build a relationship with God. I thought I better write it down so I don’t forget.

1. Surrender to God first thing in the morning. Grab your coffee (or whatever) then sit down and pray. Keep a journal and pen with you.

2. Read a Psalm and write down any word or sentence that jumps out.

3. Read a passage from the New Testament and again, write down a word or sentence that jumps out.

4. Read a passage from the Old Testament and write down what jumps out.

5. Read the daily proverb (there are 31, so whatever day of the month it falls on). Again, write down word or sentence that jumps out.

6. Review and see what God has revealed and then reflect on these things during the day. Look for them.

This happened to me today although I had not yet connected to this exercise. The word was “gatekeeper” and it was in Nehemiah. I was just reading about the gate keeper in this codependency article: “Gatekeeper. The Gatekeeper is a behavioral manifestation that is driven by our emotional wounds because we are still allowing our experience of life to be defined by the negative, fear and shame based programming – by the critical parent voice.http://joy2meu.com/detach_vs_disassociate.htm

In SRA, my gatekeeper blocks me from the inner levels. The gatekeeper knows who can get in and who can get out. The gatekeeper knows the truth but must hide the truth. The gatekeeper has full access but may change at different points to confuse the system.

Tomorrow I will follow the pastors advice and see what comes up. Today was just a God led coincidence. He is good like that.