It is hard for me to say how I feel so I will let the parts speak for me.
1. She’s been depressed. Maybe a week now, or more. High trauma state, can’t sleep but does eventually. The depression makes her feel suicidal and full of shame. Looking at herself on zoom all day is not helping. She’s increasingly self conscious and needs validation, although wouldn’t dare to ask for it. Only sometimes. Being in a relationship is so good but hard because she’s embarrassed. Mainly because she thinks she is going to go insane. Like this is it, breakdown is going to happen. Now. She’s never been to a mental hospital, nor really wants too, but lately she’s been feeling like it might happen. Then tonight, on the D.I.D. Support group, she realises she is resilient and has been in these panic states before and always come out of it. So she started to relax more, but then the anger came up.
2. The anger is there because I’m pissed off at the trauma fear porn “they” pump out every second of the day. I’m tired of their evil, their cruelty, meanness. I’m tired of beating myself up and hating on myself when I should be beating up on them. I’m tired of not being allowed to be angry and for turning it on me. I’m tired of not placing my anger where it should be. I’m angry at injustice and there’s far too many for me to pick one. I’m angry at God for making such simple poetic statements: Proverbs. 10:12 “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” Why? Because Lord my heart feels cold and i am sad that evil is so pervasive and makes it so hard for people, including me, to love fully. You say to love you, first and foremost. And I’m not doing that. I’m not. I’m scared. I’m blocked by the darkness. I need your help. I genuinely need your help to get through and make sense of all this noise and hurt and fear and entrapment and conspiracy. Anyone who challenges the mainstream paradigm is called a conspiracy theorist. That’s scary. Anyone who believes you is called weak or you are seen as a crutch. I know I’m making blanket statements, I’m just confused Lord. Should I be blissfully ignorant or painfully aware and which reality am I aware of? Whose reality? Whose agenda? As I daily unpack my bias’ and wrestle with my tormented past, I wake up and then fall asleep again. Such is the merry go round of life. S worries I think the government is out to get me. Of course I do and I don’t. How does one know what’s a Kafkian fantasy or true metamorphosis of self? Agh, she likes to fix things (S that is). So she wants to make sure my mind remains in tact. Self preservation, peppered with love. It’s nice. I should be more forgiving.
3. I’m irritable. Maybe being locked up. Always things to do, endless tasks, that I would be nothing without. Sending me mad. Pretending to be normal and present and deep down, thinking, I’m going to snap. At any given time, I am going to go crazy. And then it passes. A complete inability to stay present with self once morning light hits. And how do I take a break? Watch tv? Do Pilates? No. I box. That’s cool I guess, that’s not the point. What does it mean to be purposeful and engaged and present and put things aside and not check emails and not fiddle with learning management systems. Refining the same thing in the hope that one day the knowledge will. Freaking. Land. It. Will. Go. POP. Because knowledge is like that. It’s funny. It lights up the brain cells and then goes dark again as new thinking rises to the surface. New mass consciousness vibrates.
4. I’m not sure I could ever position myself as an expert in anything. There are just too many opposing people, places and things. I don’t know how you can be so sure of anything. Except for God. I’m sure about God, but I wouldn’t know how to argue with an atheist or lapsed Christian or an agnostic. Not that it’s about arguing. I just don’t think I have enough knowledge or evidence and feel manipulative if I try and convince someone of something that I think is experiential and personal. That’s where I get confused though. Why isn’t it experiential for all and why is it so personal and not collective and when it is collective we ruin it?
Enough rambling. I’m tired. Finally.