Defining process

It’s been one big, full on and kinda crappy week and weekend. I’ve decided to “retire” from boxing. Four fights and no wins. I think I traumatised my parts this weekend and I feel really bad for it. I really wanted to win a fight for them, show them that I was brave enough to fight back on their behalf. I really thought I was going to win the fight yesterday, but my opponent was just so brutish. I didn’t have enough “bitch” in me. My husband observed that I just don’t like to hurt people. And I think it’s true. She wanted to hurt me, I could feel it. And I fought back the best I could, but she was stronger than me. I don’t feel like I deserve to get hit so much anymore, I guess I feel as though I can’t access those parts of me that feel powerful enough to respond. I think that is going to take more work. It’s like I’m still flirting with the notion that I am allowed to have feelings. The anxiety pre fight was killing me. It was so draining and I don’t want to put my body through that anymore. I had to talk deeply to my parts on Saturday and soothe them. Let them know it was going to be okay, they don’t have to be there, I was going to be fine etc etc. and then I lost. So it was self defeating. And I’m tired of having any sense of worth placed in the competition side of things. I need to pick goals that are motivating, where I achieve something but the outcome is affirming and not based on driving a nail in my already fledgling self worth. Boxing has been about the process for me. Competition takes it into a different realm. I definitely feel at a cross roads in my life. All of a sudden everything is up for grabs and I want to change things in my life. I can feel it. It’s just a matter of what and when and why. Sometimes the why comes later I guess. My trainer, or ex trainer told me about the concept of GEM- gratitude, empathy, mindfulness. It’s pretty simple. Turn your attention to these three things and see what happens. I struggled to enact these simple concepts over ten years ago, because I never had God then and my heart was bitter and sad. I can embrace these notions now, and they give me some hope. Underneath it all, I do feel a constant gnawing – a sense of sadness and emptiness that permeates my being. The residue of the abuse- certainly the deep longing I am missing parts of myself. Yet I keep pressing on, doing my best, taking action. Trusting things will shift. Tired of trying to make it happen right now. Controlling everything. Wanting desperately to know the answers. Wishing I could ensure I wasn’t ever going to hurt someone I loved again. They weren’t going to hurt me. But I guess I have to keep trusting God that He will work it out. I wonder if He loves me. I won’t lie. As though it’s easier for me to believe it for everybody else, but as though when it comes to me, I am not worthy. It makes me sad I think that. I hope it will pass. It’s been a feeling I’ve had for a while now.

Advantages and disadvantages of being dissociative

Advantages:

    I can multi task very well (mostly)
    I can tune out, blank out and just get on with things.
    I seem to be able to achieve quite a lot, although it doesn’t really feel like I do (not sure if latter part is really advantage!)
    I am a creative thinker because of my parts
    My parts are different and interesting and keep me engaged in life and busy.
    I see through the programming of our society and the dark forces controlling us.
    I have a capacity to think beyond the natural realm into the spiritual realm.
    I am tough.

Disadvantages:

  • Simmering underneath it all is a low level hum of depression – a sense of futility – a lack of meaning in my existence I can’t quite put my finger on. The feeling something isn’t quite right.
  • A confused identity. One minute I know what I want, who I am, the next, it is all up in the air.
  • Fear. It is often present.
  • A confused state of being. Where am I? Who am I? Is this really me? Will it remain me?
  • Sadness. Of self. Of life. Of missing self.
  • I don’t feel whole. Sometimes I do but it doesn’t last.
  • Getting triggered is a disadvantage and then I become very self focused and sometimes mean and withdrawn to the detriment of others.
  • I withdraw to process things. It could take days.
  • Sometimes I don’t recognise myself in the mirror but there doesn’t seem much I can do about it.

Father’s Day is a trigger to the abused

I don’t think I have ever been so triggered on Father’s Day as I am today. This has been exacerbated by my husband, who is the father of four kids, who all have kids of their own, inviting the “clan” over to our house. There are kids everywhere and there is so much noise. We went and visited hubby’s parents earlier and his father was such a prick to me, I felt absolutely livid afterward. Firstly, he is choosing to forget my name (yes it is a choice not fading memory- he does it to provoke), so when he says hi he goes “hi, uh, uh… ” as though he is searching to remember who I am. Then he had a go at me for boxing, “why would anyone do that” (etc etc). I responded that it has been empowering for me, it is a consensual space between two people who choose to fight blah blah. Then he had the nerve to tell me (because he knows I believe in God and tries to undermine that every time I see him), that I should be concentrating on God not boxing. It really got to me today, because it is Father’s Day and because I feel such anger when I think about my father- who was a bully and a mean arsehole and dogmatic and hypocritical and abusive and cruel. He violated me and I have no time to entertain notions of celebrating this. I understand there are good dad’s, I just don’t have that experience and I think it’s important we honour those people who don’t. Whilst I need to accommodate the good Dad’s, let others accommodate the notion that there are bad ones and they hurt little children. The commit crimes against little children and my dad did that to me. Today, for the first time, I feel anger towards this and Rage and I hate him. Thankfully my husband was understanding at my response and he too feels triggered by his parents. But the thing that gets me is that my husband too expects me to just bury the dissociation and PTSD stuff on special days, like “Father’s Day”, “birthdays” and “xmas” and my therapist and I laughed on Friday when I told her this, because these are abuse and ritual days and I can’t just turn it off. I can prepare, I know that, but when parts want to express emotion, then I want to freaking let them. I am not going to suppress this stuff any longer. Hence today, everyone inside is upset, angry and sad. I need to honour that. I am more than happy to opt out of these days. I am not going to be forced to participate in anything. With time, healing will occur and my tolerance levels might be stronger, but I am not there yet and today is hard. It is so hard and I want to punch something. Instead, I pre booked a manicure and pedicure for late arvo. To get out of the house, to show my parts they deserve niceness and love and care today. That I believe they are worthy.