I am at home today, which is a good thing. I know i have needed a day off. People worry I will burn out. I move fast, I take on a lot, but the multiplicity helps this.
I am still in a lot of pain because of my neck. I think i have pinched a nerve, a random thing, but came after a bad memory Wednesday night. I do believe body and mind are completely interconnected. The ‘neck’ is seen to represent the past (not being able to look behind or accept the past). Makes sense given my repressed memories. I had to cancel therapy, which is annoying because i do need to see her, but the drive is probably a bit too much for me today. We had a text message exchange:
T: “Hard as it is, it’s good that the memories surface, because in the long run you’ll be free. Right now I suggest you practise a kind of meditative state, holding hands with Jesus. Relax your muscles as best you can and pray gently. That acceptance will help the parts”.
Me: “Okay I will try, it hurts. I am doing my best to remain distracted but underneath I am in a lot of physical pain (besides neck) and there are still so many feelings of disgust.”
T: “Wow that’s really intense! If you were in my room I would be using that state to allow parts to speak. I think you could do that in your mind or with writing maybe?”
Okay, I tell her, I will write. Now, I invite my parts to speak about what’s going on for them:
“Black inside, walls thick with darkness. We waited, we watched. Hit over head. Things were always foggy, groggy. I was confused. I never knew where I was. Sadness lived in the trees. They used to talk to me, tell me that it would be all over soon. They too had suffered. I didn’t know what they meant. I didn’t understand words like that yet. I knew a few things. 1. I must be real bad to be here, 2. I must have done something really wrong to cause this, 3. I mustn’t be a good person.
I didn’t even know what it all meant all I knew is that it must be true”.
Me: “who was the poor girl you were upset about?”
Them: “we never knew her name. She was just like us, it could have been us. It should have been us. Many were off the street, we lived in homes, maybe it was better she was dead”.
Me: “I’m sorry you saw and experienced such cruelty”.
Them: “you just get used to it. There’s no other option.”
Me: “there wasn’t then because you were only little. Now, it is different. Turning on the light and coming out of the darkness is now a possibility. At that time, you had no choice but to go along. Now, you can do something different”.
Them: “nothings different. People still die, it happens every moment, every day.”
Me: “yes but we don’t witness it in the way you did and we have a chance to do something about it, by saying yes to the light”.
Them: “we’ve seen light kill. It’s not always done in the dark”.
Me: “yes I’m sure you have because darkness can appear as light. If you look out, to me, at the light, and ask it to show you it’s real self, then you will see whether this light can be trusted”.
Them: “I saw.”
Me: “what did you see?”
Them: “we saw love and an angel holding a baby and life and people sick but helping each other and loving each other”.
Me: “you can be part of that picture. You can be taken care of too and heal and then maybe if you can, you can give that gift to others. Would you like to come with me and rest?”
I hold out my hand. She/ they take it. We walk to the light (Yeshua), we are embraced even though everyone is so sad and feels gross. Yeshua says we are clean and beautiful and He will protect us. Maybe we feel safe for a second. It’s nicer here than over there.
We know we can process more. We have started.