My trauma stopped me from learning how to be vulnerable, intimate and how to connect. I did not experience proper attachment and so I became a non attached individual.
I find it hard to connect to others because my first experiences of connection were so scary and violent. The ingrained belief is that it is not safe to connect. I learnt I couldn’t even connect with myself/ hence the dissociation. I fragmented.
Intimacy is so hard because that is the ultimate connection. To be intimate is, once again, to get hurt. For me, as an SRA survivor, it ends in death.
it’s hard to sit with but I’m glad I’m understanding these feelings more. I need to practice compassion for how I have acted. Ten years ago I was in a massive trauma reaction state. My behaviours were frozen in ill equipped responsiveness. I wish somebody could have told me. Maybe I wouldn’t have been able to listen. I have a migraine tonight. I got through today okay, no feelings of disgust or shame, which was so nice. It’s definitely the hard part of processing memory and learning to tolerate the discomfort of my feelings.
I do believe that I will be able to connect and be intimate. I just have to keep taking the right action as it will slowly rewire my brain. I used to be so impatient, but it’s all taken so much longer than I once thought, I have just resigned myself to the fact that it is going to take time. However long that is.