Dissociative tonight. Went to S’s family for dinner and it was lovely but I guess I just find family stuff triggering. Her niece was there, a one year old baby, and I just find babies so weird and gross. I heard myself thinking horrible things in my head and it dawned on me that what I am saying to myself is likely memory and I am silently projecting it onto an innocent baby. No wonder I keep this stuff dissociated. And then her family is so nice and normal and loving to me, which is beautiful and I’m not complaining, I just find the whole thing a bit too overwhelming. Like, ‘if only they knew’, or ‘don’t get too close’ or ‘stay away from me’… I don’t know where this comes from, it’s deeply unconscious and I just want to sleep when I leave and I go deep inside to retreat because it has been overwhelming.
This virus. I get it’s real but I feel very suspicious of the panic and pandemic and it makes me uneasy. I am trusting God and I have to focus on Him – some days are just easier than others. What is the government planning? What will happen? I can’t go there. I don’t have control over it anyway. I can only trust God.
I believe in me because it’s the only way to stay grounded and healthy and focused.
Part: Who are you kidding? You don’t believe in you. I don’t believe in me. You’re a fucking dirt bag liar piece of shit. Give up now. Cut your losses. Die.
Me: thank you for sharing. You sound angry and hurt.
Part: don’t patronise me.
Me: I can hear you are angry and upset. I feel sad and affected by this because I know it comes from a place of pain and hurt. I need you to know you are part of me and that I am deeply sorry you are in so much pain. Would you be willing to share some of this with me?
Part: you couldn’t handle it, you weak piece of shit.
Me: what makes you think that I couldn’t handle it?
Part: because I have so much pain that it would scare you and send you running.
Me: that’s a lot for you to be carrying. I see our therapist tomorrow afternoon. That is a place where you can share some of it. You don’t have to do it all at once. Maybe you could give me a bit tomorrow at the session and see if I can handle it?
Part: what will you do with it?
Me: I will feel it and let it pass and comfort it. Soothe the pain until it lessens. We keep doing that until it goes fully away.
Part: it is a deep well.
Me: I know and we can empty it slowly and fill the well up again with healing water made from the tears of God. Bless you part. Until tomorrow.