Yesterday morning I woke from a horrible nightmare. It’s hard to recall now and I wish I had of written about it earlier. From what I recall, the dream was set at my uncles house and there were all these dark evil gothics who were trying to get in to attend a party. They were going to kill me. I remember bags of rubbish outside the house and trying to barricade myself in. I remember calling out to God and in the dream I knew he was going to help, even though it didn’t feel like it. This was unusual as I have rarely been able to “take positive action” in my dreams. I remember waking up in parts, so scared, and full of fear based terror, I genuinely thought I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed that day. I had set a run date with a friend and I knew I couldn’t cancel but I also couldn’t imagine moving. Thankfully I found myself getting out of bed and I met her at 7am and we ran and the feelings of dissociation and terror passed. By the time I got to work I had forgotten all about it and was in a better state. Praise God I have work and running.
Today was the first day of semester and it was really awesome and overwhelming. I have 16 high achievers in the masters course I teach and they are all very intense.
I feel empowered in this space; strong and capable and in control/ in a fun way. Relaxed I guess.
Now in bed, I’ve gone internal and blank again. I should write how I feel, yet I just continue to feel misery and dis-ease with self. The feelings of shame and disgust permeate me. I am distracted from them during the day. I like to keep myself so busy I don’t notice they are there. When I stop and I see myself in the mirror, I am embarrassed. I still don’t see the point of living. But again, when I am distracted and busy, I have purpose and I forget I want to die and that I am hating on myself.
What am I meant to do to move into self care and compassion?
- Be gentle to myself
- Hold my toys
- Stroke my arm and say “there there” to my wounded parts.
Okay. I will do these things and then go to sleep.
It’s been a rough few days of poor mental health and dissociation. Thursday I woke to a note on my car, alerting me to my terrible parking standards (I didn’t realise but I had parked sloppily). The note wasn’t enough of a point for this person, who had bent and twisted my windscreen wiper. I couldn’t get it down so basically had to drive with it sticking half way up and then drove with it damaged when it rained, which was really unsafe. This kind of stuff rattles someone like me. I know it sounds stupid but I feel attacked and as though I attracted it- I made it happen. I’m seeing a bit of a link here between how the perpetrators made me feel (it’s all my fault, I brought it on myself, I made it happen). It’s good to make this connection as I haven’t been able to do that before. Then that day I had some trouble with a student at work who is filming at the moment. He is a nasty piece of work and has a very high ego and thinks he is better than everyone else. I called him and his team on a decision they made, which was highly problematic and he went for me. He sent an email that basically said I was unprofessional and contradictory etc etc. I responded very calmly and handled it well but nonetheless it really played on my mind and by the end of the day I was a dissociative wreck. I will meet with that student this week, along with other staff, who think his email was out of line, and I feel confident I can handle it, but it has triggered me bad. S was also filming from Thursday and I started to feel dissociative as soon as she was gone. I could feel my co dependency kick in and just went into this kind of numb like avoidant state. I knew she was having the best time and I felt like because her career hasn’t even started yet, that once it takes off, she’s just going to leave me and I am going to be all alone. Fear and abandonment plagued me and by Saturday I was just super dissociative. Plus I knew it was a big satanic ritual day so I felt really triggered and on high alert. I had this massive migraine that had been there since Thursday and wasn’t going away. I kept busy on Saturday and just worked on my computer, which can be very distracting and comforting for me as it keeps me focused on something other than my thoughts. Then C came over to see my new apartment and we chatted for a bit and then S came home and she was all super high and talkative and over taken by her filming experience and all I could think of was how selfish I was being for not being supportive and for being in parts. Then C left and S was very sensitive to my mood but eventually I explained a bit about how I was feeling and that I was in parts. Once she realised that she was less triggered herself and she explained to me that it was okay for me to have feelings and to be scared. It is so foreign to me to validate feelings. I feel so freaking bad for having feelings, for having an emotional response. Then my little parts came out and S suggested we watch a kids movie so we chose “Inside Out”. My parts really liked it because even though it was Disney (Walt Disney was a 33rd degree Freemason and involved in mind control), the film taught us about the role of different feelings and also about how memory is stored. Then when we went to bed my little little parts asked S where she went for the last few days and she explained and they cried and said they didn’t know and asked why she didn’t tell them. I didn’t realise that my mind is so separated that I need to explain all these things. Today I woke feeling a lot better and finally adult, after quite a few days. I am still in this massive codependent fear based state about S. Like why am I with someone so young and I’m really feeling like she is going to change her mind and leave me. I didn’t realise abandonment was so strong within me. I wish I knew why I felt that way/ what it was linked to in my childhood.
I went looking for a singlet top this morning and I couldn’t find it. The search was making me irritable and anxious (you know the feeling; you’re set on an outfit and if you have to change you’ll be late for work rah rah rah). I’m making a bit of a noise about it to my girlfriend and getting stressed and then finally I find it and I have this moment where i sense the following:
I feel embarrassed for having gotten irritable. Then I hear negative self talk – it tells me I am disgusting and ugly and I look down on my body and feel so ashamed. I realise, off the back of last nights co dependency anonymous meeting, whereby the topic was about feelings, that the concept of feeling for me is linked to shame. It was okay for me to get shitty and annoyed about not finding my top and potentially being late for work. The irritability passes. But it’s what’s underneath that. It’s what it is tied too – to feel anything strongly means I am going to be hurt, be defiled, am defiled, am vile. Yet this is not true now. It was sad to connect these dots – it felt like a revelation and a good one- but sad nonetheless. It’s deeply disappointing that underneath it all, my daily actions and responses, lives this profound sense of shame and disgust. As though my body is the dirtiest, most ugly thing in the world. That is the mark of what my abusers did. Their footprint. I am starting to observe it more rather than have it take over me. This is progress.
The topic at the co dependents anonymous meeting tonight was on feelings. I didn’t get asked to share, but here’s what I would say.
“I grew up in terror and fear and so feelings were associated with that. To feel, meant to get hurt or to potentially die. I separated. The perpetrators split me so other parts of me would take the feelings – shame, worthlessness, sadness, disgust, anger. Mostly my feeling state is disconnected and confused. It takes me a while to work out what I am feeling. I only started to notice and develop a sense of my feelings when I began going to CoDA. That’s because they start the meeting with a feelings check and I was forced to think about and name how I felt. I realised behind the confusion and dissociation was fear and terror and that was scary and overwhelming. It took me a few weeks to feel safe and then start to name other feelings. My default is to not feel, to avoid, to remain in a state of denial about how I feel. Separated. It’s better when I name how I feel because it often shifts or passes or it can feel more real. Either way, it has been positive when I have been able to do this. I don’t remember much about feelings in childhood- except the fear, the dread and evil. How do you feel evil? It’s just a sense. I know it. I can’t explain it. It’s cold. Maybe that’s why I like the heat more, it feels safer, protective. Sometimes I like not being able to feel. I get more things done, but it can be lonely and I feel very isolated from my environment. Now that I have had moments of feeling joy, I prefer not to be so disconnected, but sometimes I can’t help it. It just happens. My sponsor told me that a feeling state only lasts for about 90 seconds in the body. It’s hard to remember that when the feelings are overwhelming.”
Head hurts tonight. Went to market fair this afternoon and the energy in the room made me switch. My parts could sense witches in the room. Usual thing with new age, arts and crafts events. Plus it was inside a town hall and very small and noisy and lots of people looking at each other. Staring. There’s always witches at these things. They can say their the good ones but unfortunately it all points to darkness. Makes me shiver and feel gross. Subsequently I was pretty dissociative this afternoon and then came down with a headache. My little ones told S and I’m finding that when they share whats going on for them, my system seems to settle down somewhat.
My birthday was yesterday. Surprisingly it went okay. S and I did fun stuff- we went go kart racing and played laser tag in the afternoon and my parts loved it. This is a bit embarrassing to write but I ended up taking laxatives that day as I had been feeling really knotted up. So although I had a good day, it was also filled with running to the bathroom!!! It was kinda weird, as though I was subconsciously trying to cause myself to be sick or in pain or disconnected from myself. I’m just glad my birthday is over. Next year I turn 40, but I think I will just lay low. I had my big dissociative break down last week as S thought it would be nice to celebrate a week early as my parts get triggered on the day, but I think my parts just ended up getting confused and thought my birthday was last week. So yesterday felt a bit anti climatic. I think I need to be in control of my birthday from now on. Who knows, it changes every year…. I’m just glad when it is over.
Today was a good day after a week of dissociation and feelings of disgust and body dysmorphia. I saw J and it was so good to hang out. I never give these things enough time, scared of connecting, yet she is easy to connect with and I felt rushed for time. I was annoyed at myself for not giving her longer. I wanted to hang out and just play a game or chill and watch tv. She’s the type of person you could do that with and for me that is rare to find.
Tonight was home church. I met a new person and D spoke of having an end of year celebration and going away for a couple of nights on a big cruise ship! It feels weird to be invited but I am grateful and excited. One of the women there triggers me, but I know it’s our parts and I think (hope) I have enough recovery to work through it. We listened to some songs by Lauren Daigle and the lyrics brought tears to my ears. It’s about shedding shame, that always gets me. That was it. D prayed for us at the end and then we left. What a radical reframe of church – just what I was looking for. Praise Yeshua. On my drive home, i listened to a Christian speaker Baxter Kruger, who really blew my mind. I’m pretty sure he was talking about God being for everyone and that we were never separated. It’s just the darkness that keeps us in denial from the love and light. It’s made me think, maybe God really does love me. Maybe they were lying to me, and He is real and seeks relationship with me. Little ol’ me? Mmh….
Earlier this week I felt a specific type of programming breaking down. I have always felt I had black (widow) spider programming. Basically, all I know is that the memories are protected by a large black spider and I haven’t really been able to get past this due to the fear. Plus the large spider stops me all the time. One night this week, whilst lying in bed, I felt the big black spider coming out of me. It is still really disgusting for me to think about, but I sat with the grossness and just let it happen. It felt good it was going. It has been there for a long time, so I am not sure why God let it dissolve now. I only remembered it this morning, so I thought I better write it down and record it.
Last night, I woke in the middle of the night screaming really loudly. S woke up and asked me if I was okay and I said I had a bad dream. She asked me to tell her about it and a little part came out and said that my brother was standing above me whilst I was in bed and he was going to cover my face or mouth and told me this metaphor about a car and the little part cried and said, “but I’m not a car, I’m only five” and then she shivered and cried. Then I had what I know to be multiple moments, lying in bed and parts coming out in my mind and taking over. They didn’t talk out loud though, just in my head. The little part was still awake and asked S if she was Italian and also if she liked spaghetti. The little part said sometimes she liked spaghetti, but sometimes it is like worms. Eventually we all fell asleep and I felt a bit spaced out this morning, but okay. In some ways I am glad that I had this dream/ memory as I have known implicitly my brother was involved but sometimes I just don’t believe it. I hadn’t had an early memory like this (before the age of 9), so I am glad God showed me. I am glad that I don’t have contact with my family and this proved that I have made the right decision. My mother rings my ex husband even though I have cut off contact with her years ago. She tries to access me this way. It disappoints me that he talks to her. I don’t expect him to hold a grudge, but unfortunately it is like he is siding with my abusers. He doesn’t grasp the spiritual aspect to SRA and that I can still be accessed by them through him. It is sad that he dismisses my parts like that. I have tried to explain on a number of occasions and he just doesn’t seem to get it.
It is progress that I had a dream/ memory and that my parts came out. I would have liked to have stayed home all day in my pyjamas, but I came to work and fulfilled my obligations of a busy day and getting things done, which has made me feel good. Underneath, I am sad and disconnected but I know everything will be okay. I guess I just don’t understand why people are so sick, why they are so mean and bad and why little children and young people get hurt.
I took the dogs for a walk this morning and I was feeling a little out of sorts, in my head, but okay. I see this man walking with his dog and he is talking to himself and then he starts talking to me about how his mother has really pushed his buttons and he can’t get in to see his psych. I’m just listening and thinking, “God what do I say to this man. I don’t want to be rude but I don’t know how to respond”. Eventually I just say “go easy and be kind to yourself” (or something like that) and he mentions God. Lightbulb goes off. “Well it sounds like you have God in your life so that’s awesome. Just keep turning your attention to Him and asking Him for guidance”. Then I could feel God kicking me and I’m like, “would you like me to pray for you” and he said that would be good. I asked him if it was okay to put my hands on his shoulders and he said yes and then I just prayed aloud to Jesus asking for his help to protect and guide this man, giving him courage to have boundaries and to separate flesh lovingly and safely and I prayed for his protection and then we said our goodbyes and off we went. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever done but it felt good and right and it seemed God led. I prayed for my own protection later and I had a successful day, but in the afternoon I met with a student who I know has bipolar (recently diagnosed) and I got so drained in the meeting, I felt under spiritual attack. I almost fell asleep talking to her in my office, I was feeling that sleepy and dissociative. Must be more alert and have coffee before I do that again. It nearly wiped me out for the rest of the day but I got through it.
When I am here I am present and alive and motivated and sharp. I am not really present though. I’m in and out of my body, my mind. I look funny, act funny, am funny.
Recently I’ve been under attack. Drama queen. I’m buried, depressive, flat lining. In part, I’m focused and together and on top of things. Life’s fractured.
We split up. I split up with him. Ran off with her. So damn in love, afraid to admit it to anybody but her. Our secret. Just in case it wears off. Like in the past. I was once trusted, now no more. I’m a born liar. Mop up the tears, drain the past.
It wasn’t like it was a love story. We were alcoholics. I was looking for a father. A security blanket. I liked motorbikes. I needed distraction. He was co dependent on me, I Him. I just wanted to be held and rocked to sleep. He snored. He was good to me, why did I run. Why was I so cold? Was I? I did my best but I changed and he changed and I never knew who I was and I hated being so mixed up. I felt like no one else would get me or be with me because of the parts. He was a safe bet, loving. I thought I could grow old with him. Plagued by guilt, regret, sadness. Let grief be. It’s allowed. Stop burying. We were two avoidants. It’s all my fault.
I asked God for pictures. He gave me nightmares I couldn’t remember. He gave me the remnants of disgust and stifled panic. He gave me everything, I am nothing.
Tomorrow I’ll run. I’ll run till it hurts. I’ll run till my chest heaves. I sweat. Tomorrow it will rain. It will rain when I run fast. I’ll shower in the rain. Tomorrow it will cool down. Tomorrow I will cool down.