A letter to my inner kids

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“I am becoming my own Loving Parent
to help my Inner Child grow up emotionally”.

Dear inner children.

I can sense you want me to talk to you. I don’t know what to say and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I’ve ignored y’all. I’m sorry you were hurt and that I had to abandon myself to keep safe. Things are different now that I am grown up. For a long time I wanted someone else to take care of you as my parts. First M. Then S. But really it had to be me and probably should have been me all along. I’m sorry to have rejected you and abandoned you. You needed things. Like love and praise and attention. You weren’t given that. Instead you were shown cruelty and judgement and called names. You were violated and that was wrong. So, so wrong. You also had joy sucked out of your existence. So depression and shame and numbness became normal and stress and adrenaline got us out of it. Until it got too much and you needed to go internal again. It’s been a merry go round and I’m sorry. I am deeply sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you for trying to connect with me and not giving up even when I didn’t listen. I love you.

Published by Leni

I am a 42 year old woman and survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I was always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was extremely disconnected from the way that I felt in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kickstarted my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am in my tenth year of sobriety and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. This is a blog about Dissociation, Satanic Ritual Abuse, God and other stuff. I live in Melbourne, Australia. Please stick around and share your thoughts too.

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7 thoughts on “A letter to my inner kids”

      1. For me personally I find that dissociation is such a strong habit that to acknowledge the little ones and be open to dialogue with them is kind of a daily practice, and not an easy one, at that! Every attempt deserves acknowledgment and congratulations in my eyes. 👍🏻🌷

      2. Thank you that means a lot. I have tried this somewhat at different times but last night felt the most authentic attempt. Once I realised they were trying to get my attention through sabotage I think it shifted things for me. I might write again.

      3. 😊 I think that authenticity is what I felt in my body when I read your letter. Like my littles were cheering you on and happy to hear someone else trying to stay open to connection. It’s really not easy. I don’t think people can possibly get how hard it is when they haven’t gone through the kind of stuff that leads to such iron cast dissociation in the first place! (Tears in my eyes as I write this, so my heart is somewhat open in this moment at least😁)

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