Communicating with my inner children part 2

Uncategorized 2 Minutes

“I am becoming my own Loving Parent to help my Inner Children grow up emotionally”.

Dear inner children,

For years you have been trying to get my attention through sabotage. I’ve included the examples I remember since being a kid, many of which have remained till adulthood.

  • Food (stuffing ourselves or starving ourselves)
  • Risky behaviour particularly once we started drinking and taking drugs from 13/14. Smoking.
  • Codependence on friends and then isolation because of shame and embarrassment
  • anxiety
  • blaming others / getting into trouble / being a bully in primary school and then turning my bully behaviour onto myself
  • being guarded and defensive and cautious / not trusting and not speaking out
  • Taking everything personally
  • expecting immediate attention and results and if we didn’t get it thinking we were a piece of shit
  • coercing others into things – through manipulation or lying or controlling tactics
  • Sulking and procrastinating unless charged up with adrenalin
  • trying to rescue and fix others
  • being with people because we pitied them and wanted to save them.

You were acting like this because your needs weren’t met and you weren’t loved properly. You were treated in a way that meant you couldn’t truly thrive and grow. I’m not angry at you or upset with you. I feel sad you were treated like this. You deserved to be loved and empowered and lifted up. Not shut down and made to think it’s not safe to talk or feel or ask for help. One of the things I read today in the ACA program is that we don’t try and rescue our inner children. I could be interpreting that wrong but I want you to know I’m not trying to save you or fix you. I genuinely want to listen and hear you and then meet you where you are at. It’s okay to not know what you need too by the way. I can suggest things and that might help you decide or you can wait till you’re ready. I guess I hope we can work together. There’s no rush. I know this is not a quick thing and that’s okay. I

’m sorry for taking so long to connect with you. Please forgive me for abandoning you. Thank you for always trying to get my attention no matter what you needed to do and how much I ignored you. I love your strength and resilience to keep fighting to be heard.


Published by Leni

I am a 42 year old woman and survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I was always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was extremely disconnected from the way that I felt in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kickstarted my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am in my tenth year of sobriety and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. This is a blog about Dissociation, Satanic Ritual Abuse, God and other stuff. I live in Melbourne, Australia. Please stick around and share your thoughts too.

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