The mother is gone.

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I woke this morning to a text from my brother letting me know my mum had died last night at 11.15 pm, June 19. I best keep record as I am not sure if I’ll remember this as an anniversary.

I still went to boxing and work and just got on with my day. I had therapy tonight and we checked in with my parts. Everyone is happy but feels a bit naughty for feeling this way. My T said it’s okay for us to feel happy. My system feels relieved and glad she (and him) cannot hurt us anymore.

I’ll go to the funeral, whenever it is. I’ll do the right thing. But I don’t think I’ll cry.

My ex husband texted me and said “condolences for your loss. A truly, loyal lady”. This shit me. Even after I cut off contact with my mother and father, my mum would ring M. I asked him to respect my decision and support me but he remained in contact with her. It was a real sore point whilst we were married. Even after we separated, he was still talking with her! I couldn’t believe it. And his comment about her being a loyal lady makes me queasy. Does he mean loyal to my father who was controlling and abusive and who she couldn’t leave due to his financial control and also the confines of Catholicism. Or does he mean loyal in terms of her persistence in trying to contact me through him? My T said that when I needed my mother she wasn’t there for me. Later in life, when she needed me or wanted me, I wasn’t there for her. We reap what we sow said my T.

I shared with my therapist five things I am deeply grateful of for my mother.

1. I am grateful for her home cooking. That we grew up in a house where there was rarely junk food or processed food. I feel very lucky for this as I know not everyone has this good base with nutrition.

2. She got me into drama at the local community centre which I am so thankful for. Doing drama saved me in so many ways and I fell in love with the arts from a very early age.

3. She drove me places and supported me in different ways that helped keep me engaged with community and life.

4. She catered for my short films from when I was about 17 to 19. This is a big deal as catering is always very expensive and requires a lot of time and effort. Everyone was volunteering on the films and so loved her home cooking.

5. She met my security needs – we had a clean house and food. Even though I never felt safe I think having your basic needs met is important.

Anyway, it’s over. Although it’s not. There’s a funeral and a will and other things to sort. Given I’m out of the family I doubt I will be an active agent in any of it. So the next few months will be an interesting ride.

Published by Leni

I am a 42 year old woman and survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I was always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was extremely disconnected from the way that I felt in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kickstarted my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am in my tenth year of sobriety and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. This is a blog about Dissociation, Satanic Ritual Abuse, God and other stuff. I live in Melbourne, Australia. Please stick around and share your thoughts too.

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2 thoughts on “The mother is gone.”

  1. Liking to show my support of you and your parts. I hope you can get through t the next couple of months, ok, I know it won’t be easy for any of you! X

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