Fragment: the one who was designed not to believe.

Today was a big day, spent in a faculty planning day and beginning conversations around decolonising the curriculum, creating cross cultural safety and embedding indigenous knowledges at the centre of what we do. It was very draining at the end and i was left with a sense of inertia. Confined by the oppressive reality and the great privilege of working in a large institutional system. I guess I didn’t feel smart enough to effectively aid the conversations and help create positive change.

Ephesians 6:12 “ For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

Sometimes I take the above to mean and include patriarchal systems of power, institutions (principalities) and political structures. Pretty much our entire world! And humans are caught in between this, trying to do the best we can and thrown around by forces larger than us. Today it felt like a losing battle, although it was necessary conversation. Now it’s about action.

I then went to therapy, exhausted and disconnected from self. We decided to do some visualisation work. To be honest I thought I was just going to fall asleep, which I kinda did but it was more like being in a heavy trance. A part came out, more like a fragment, that didn’t believe there was anything wrong with me. That I was making things up, nothing had happened. T talked to the part and asked it questions, like where it lived etc. and the part felt confused, like firstly, where should it live? Why should it live anywhere? And then T asked how it came to be and I started to dissociate. It’s such a strange feeling, lying down and it’s like I am on a swing, going up and down, up and down, and I know I’m lying on the floor, but it really doesn’t feel like it. It’s quite dizzying, but also enjoyable, sort of. The memory fragment realised that they had been “made” and that caused stress and anxiety. The part asked if they were bad because they didn’t believe the other parts and my T said no. Eventually, I came to and T suggested I hold the parts hand and so I visualised doing so. T said that my neural pathways had made a connection. That was helpful and it was very interesting to have more of a body reaction to the belief that I am making this all up. It felt like the belief moved from brain to heart. I wonder how many more fragments have this belief or if they can be joined together.

I will fall asleep trying to connect these beliefs across my timeline.