A poem about ‘it’

I don’t want to be caught up in it

suck on it

tear it apart, eat it, rub it, touch it

comfort it

I don’t want to lose it, destroy it, feed it, talk about it

dream it

I don’t want to whisper it, admire it

imagine it

I don’t want to sexualise it, stew it, screw it, sense it

love it, hate it

I just want to be free of it.

Marriage and Dissociation

Seven sleeps to go and I will be married. It all seems so unreal to me. I never thought i would get married. In fact, I was anti-marriage (for me, not others). I thought it was patriarchal and the idea of being with the same person forever scared the hell out of me (me who was notorious for having affairs and who loved to be in relationships, but could never fully commit). And now, that same woman is getting hitched. Oh deary me! I am even wearing a white wedding dress. Granted M is twenty years older than me, he has been married before, has three adult kids and we are walking down the aisle together… So it isn’t truly conventional, but it is very surreal. I mean we are talking about a woman who was in a lesbian relationship for years, had trouble with intimacy unless it was of the “dirty kind”, didn’t believe in monogamy and wasnt afraid to say that she found women whose only dream of glory was their wedding day…. well, just terribly sad. Aagh. Yep I have definitely changed. I don’t feel like me, but then again I have never felt like me. I do like this side better- more grounded, two feet in, willing, open, prepared to commit, to be faithful and to be rigorously honest. I know this is Gods work. M accepts my dissociation and alters and doesn’t seem to bat an eyelid at any of the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth at times. He doesn’t buy into my crap or let me beat him down as much as my (parts) have wanted to. I have had parts want to destroy him – show him who’s boss – and he has always continued to show love. I still find it weird. I am thankful. This whole thing wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t sober so I thank God for that.

Dissociative Flashbacks

Last night I had bad terrors and tremors and felt like I had taken a bad trip or something. There were just so many parts coming out and thinking and talking and wondering where the hell they were. Some were on guard, another was just so, so sad and another really wanted to go for a long walk. It was night time and my fiancé wasn’t going to let that happen. I am not sure what the trigger was but I shared at a rehab for women who were detoxing off drugs and alcohol and their stories were pretty horrific so maybe that set me off. Then when is got home M and I had a steam bath (he has set up this DIY outdoor portable steam bath, which is pretty funny but works really well). In the steam bath when I was alone I bowled over in the most intense pain and let out a silent powerful scream. Oh the pain of it all, I felt like I was giving birth. Yukky yuk yuk. I wish I could have memories so I don’t just get all this horrible internal pain and bodily reactions. I wish I could pin point it on something. Thankfully I had my stuffed leopard and penguin and everyone fell asleep in the end. Today I wish I could hide in bed but I off to work. I won’t let this beat me.

Undoing Programming

If I was programmed, how the hell do I undo it? I am in a serious state of despair and just want to give up. The suicidal ideation is strong, I am so fatigued and the depression just hovers there on a daily basis. I still move, thankfully, I still get the things done I want to get done, thankfully, but the self loathing is sickening and the urge to just die is so strong. The other night a part introduced themselves to me called ‘Cracker’. I am worried this is a bomb part in me and it will go off if I get to close to memories. I’ve read about this and am worried that I have a freaking bomb in me, then immediately I think I am being melodramatic, making the whole thing up and am such a liar, then I proceed to beat myself up and then wish I was dead. Argh. A horrible pattern, I know! You think I feel comfortable with the thought of sharing this with anyone? I realise how sick and sordid this all sounds and you must think that I am crazy. I certainly do.

A little earlier I was in bed writing and noticed a few ants crawling on my bed. I freak out when I see ants and wondered where they were coming from. I looked down on the floor, at the side of my bed and there is about twenty or more crawling around, by my journal book filled with all my dark, sordid writing. Oh brother. Were they anywhere else? Like on my partner’s side? No! Of course they weren’t. Thankfully he came home and we moved the bed out and sprayed the area, changed the sheets. I am tempted to throw the towel in and move out. I pride myself on being clean. I certainly am not obsessive compulsive, but I clean the house every week, or less, but this rental I have moved into seems to be inhabited by bugs and it stresses me out. In particular, I hate ants. They follow me every house I move into. Obviously one would suspect there is some unconscious projection going on, but what irks me about the unconscious is precisely that – it’s bloody unconscious. How the hell do I bring it to my consciousness? Neuro Linguistic Programming states all behaviour change is unconscious – that’s fine if you are working on integrating a few disconnected parts of self (ie. that may be having trouble making decisions), but in the case of repressed memories and dissociated parts, how do you know whose behaviour you are changing? When the terror is all so consuming and my automatic response is to run away with my tail in between my legs, despite my headstrong attitude leading up to it, how do I learn to stick with it and process things unconsciously consciously?

I feel like I am failing big time at the moment. Does anyone else feel like when you are in the low of all lows that God just seems to disappear? I know God doesn’t force himself on us, like an abuser does, but I just wish he could look after me and help me feel better. I often think I am just hanging around waiting to die. I wonder what the point of it all is, I ponder over the futility of existence. I marvel at people who seem to just get life or be happy, who seem to be blissfully ignorant of this devil’s playground we are in. Suckers to mass mind control and domination. Slaves of the media and force fed lies and more lies about who we should be, look, think and act like. Constant images of bondage and sado masochistic sex pump out of the music stations and people bop their heads along, subliminally swallowing messages that cajole us to drink, have lots of sex, get off our heads and just enjoy this ‘one night’ – like partying was ever that good! I mean really. I used to party, take the drugs, dance on podiums, snort powder and dance till way past dawn and sure it was fun, being high usually is. But what about the come down? The washed out look, the depression, the dry mouth and skin. The diarrhoea? Maybe someone should sing about that. But no, let’s use a mind controlled celebrity slave to sell us the partying lifestyle and urge us to tell society to fuck off because it’s Friday night and ‘we wanna have fun!!!!’. Let’s not work and not earn money and prostitute ourselves on a Saturday night. Why not? Because hey, I can’t wait for the weekend to begin so I can do it all again.

Man, I am about to explode. So freaking over this life. Somebody get me outta here.

DDNOS and therapy

A quick update since my last post. I got baptized on Sunday (in a pool), an absolutely amazing day, full of warmth, joy and emotional intensity as I committed to Jesus and God once and for all. I have never been two feet in with anything in my life, so it was very strange to take the plunge (mind the pun) and essentially renounce my old life and welcome in the new. Who knows what it means, but I feel stronger knowing that my recovery journey will have Jesus and God guiding me and supporting me along the way. It’s funny, a little over a year ago I would have scoffed at the idea of being a Christian. The only reason I started to get to know God was because I walked into the rooms of AA – emotionally wrecked, riddled with low self esteem, suicidal ideation and incredible self loathing. The way to get sober was to find a power greater than myself and that led me, in a roundabout way to Church, which led me to getting to know God through Jesus and so on and so on. I will write more about this another time, however it was an important milestone in the past week. In addition to this, I met the prayer ministry ladies last week and discovered more of my child parts – Jack, Janey, Mitzi and Rita, plus ‘Little’ was there. More about this later too.

Onto DDNOS and therapy. I don’t know what this means to you, if anything, but for me it has been a pretty weird and exhilarating journey over the last 12 months with my therapist. I am lucky to have found this woman and definitely appreciate when my instincts nudge me in the right direction. It is quite special to start to feel as though you can be more vulnerable with someone, (it has taken me a year to get there), but that makes sense though. I mean, seriously, when you have small parts in you and you regress to a childlike state (irrespective of whether you are co-conscious or not), it is totally scary and means having to let my guard down. I am so not used to this and am amazed that I am finally starting to be able to do it. Who knows, maybe I will take it back again, though I do feel like things are starting to shift in this area. I am able to tolerate my feelings, just that bit more. I certainly don’t believe anymore that I will ‘die’ from feeling and I am not acting out in self sabotaging ways to squash the feelings. I still keep myself super busy so know that I have heaps more work to do there, to remain present and feel safe that is, but things are definitely improving. It is nice to celebrate and notice some good for a change, rather than the dark, horrid stuff.

So today, we did some body work – noticing breathing, areas of body that feel tense. And then out of the blue I am noticing tension around my mouth area. I can’t breathe. There is something around my mouth (I think a gag) and I am literally frozen in my spot. If I move, they are going to slit my throat. T says I should think about moving though. I can either observe and just notice what is going on, or I can take action and do something different to see what happens. I ask her to count to three to help me and then I move, I just shift my knees up closer to my chest. That helps a bit. Then a part of me wants to talk, I say ‘I am in a box’. This part can’t come out because it says it will get killed. T reminds me that this is a lie and that we are safe. She encourages me to talk to this part (which I do in my head, not aloud… I can still be self-conscious in this process – unbelievable). The part says they are watching from outside. Again, T reminds me this is a lie. She suggests I make some contact, maybe put out my hand. I actually feel some tenderness and compassion toward this part (so different from my usual response which is to feel disgusted and want to reject). I feel sad that this little person is in a box and want to help. I see myself put my hand out and just hold on. The session ends. I talk to this part on the drive home, just about meeting my best friend’s dog – Ziggy – a beautiful poodle cross. Everyone likes Ziggy as she is very pretty and heaps of fun and full of love. I tell this part that we are going to see Ziggy soon and perhaps she would like to meet her. I imagine poking a couple of holes in the box for her to look out and watch. I hope she did. I have lost that connection since.

Oh dear, this probably all sounds so strange. I wonder what will come up next?

When it hurts to pray.

Praying should give us a sense of relief right? The trouble is since my latest prayer ministry session I have had a terrible time praying to God and in fact, it has been more painful than not. I hear voices shouting inside me; ‘stop’, ‘it hurts’, ‘I am burning’ and so on. It turns me off as you can imagine and the want to push through this and pray to God lessens dramatically. It has been a bit better recently, though I have prayed more on the fly, not spending the five or so minutes that I was doing in the morning connecting with God and thinking about my day. Life certainly hasn’t gotten better for avoiding prayer and I know it is something that I need to do, must do. This is mostly because I don’t want to forget that God is the one who I believe will heal me, along with keeping me sober. I know I cannot do life anymore on my own, I have tried it for 32 years now and ended up depressed, suicidal and an alcoholic. Mmh… yep, I surrender. God can have me. Do with me what he will, I totally give up. As I write I know I am contradicting myself. If I totally gave up then I would be able to pray right? The challenge is that I identify now as a Christian, but I don’t think many of my parts do. I think they are still scared of God and don’t trust him at all. I feel like I have been like that all my life, one foot in, one foot out. It is very much unconscious and as much as I believe with all earnestness that I humbly wish to follow God (or love that person, or follow that career path), there is chunks of me that feel very disconnected from these decisions and thoughts. At least I am getting more awareness around this now. I think… lol.

I sometimes wish I knew what it was like to jump with both feet into the things that I do, but I honestly don’t know whether I am capable of doing that yet. Without recovering parts of me, is it possible? Does anyone else feel this way? Think this way? Act this way?

 

Making a decision to feel

For many years I have avoided facing my feelings. I drank, I drugged, I kept myself really busy with work and creative activities. I drank lots of coffee, I smoked, I isolated, I watched TV, I exercised… I did whatever I could to just keep moving, so I wouldn’t have to stop and check in with how I was feeling. You see, when I did, I just felt a deep, penetrable sadness, an emptiness that left me thinking that there was really no point to life and that it was probably better to end it all. Why would I want to feel, when this was what was coming up? So I just keep moving and controlling situations and working to a packed schedule that didn’t allow for any rest. Drinking in a sense was a ‘switch off button’. It allowed me to stop and to just ‘be’, to be present. The irony was that it only contributed to me being more disconnected from myself in the long run and numbed me out even more. Hell, at least it stopped the voices in my head and made me forget about the pain. But now that my drinking is no longer an effective coping mechanism and with one year sobriety up (my birthday is actually in 5 minutes), I am left with finally having to make a decision and that is to feel or not to feel. To not feel, to remain in avoidant behaviour only causes me more emotional pain and grief. I have come to realise this more and more over the past year. I have to learn how to feel, I have to experience the intensity of the feelings – the sadness, the terror, the confusion, the fear – I think to start to release it and truly heal. I am scared. I know it will be okay though, there have been times when I have actually felt my feelings and although overwhelming at the time, a great sense of relief, coupled with joy swept over me soon after. It was exhilarating. I think it is just the fear of the unknown that cripples me and stops me from wanting to be present and check in with my emotions. The thing is too, I often find it difficult to even know how I am feeling. So that will be a challenge, to even start the process. Like lately, I have just been feeling disgusting all over. I just get this sense that my body is foul, gross, slimy, yukky. My therapist says that this is likely memory, but the fact that I don’t delve deeper into wanting to know this, probably stops me from recovering what it is or at least kickstart the process to release these trapped feelings or give voice to these parts of self.

When I think i get close to some sort of memory retrieval or breakthrough, I also shut down, I get very depressed, experience a lot of suicidal ideation and become very controlling in other areas of my life. I think i have to be careful, perhaps this is programming, I have no idea. The voices in my head get louder, more frantic, fearful and they stop me from going deeper. I am not sure how to confront this yet. If anyone has any ideas out there let me know…

DDNOS, BPD and AA

Found some helpful info tonight as I had a friend call me up today suggesting I may have borderline personality disorder. Thing is, she is probably right, I certainly tick many of the boxes, however people with dissociative disorders are commonly diagnosed with other things (like BPD) and the traits are very similar. Check out this article for more info here.

Argh, sometimes these bloody labels are so confusing.

My friend was only concerned for me, as I have been very depressive for over a week now and keep flitting in and out of suicidal ideation, along with chronic feelings of emptiness and sadness. It seems I just get stuck in these states and it takes a lot of emotional pain before I snap out of it. Usually, it takes working my AA program harder to get the relief – going to regular meetings, connecting with people and helping newcomers – that’s when I get the shift and can start feeling more balanced again. The thing is though, I am in therapy and working actively on my dissociation, connecting with my parts and handling my feelings – so it is natural that I am going to go in and out of these depressive states. Isn’t that what healing / recovery is about? My challenge is that I have to learn how to tolerate these states without resorting to self sabotaging behaviours (for me that has been drinking and drugging in the past). I am nearly a year sober, god willing, and am now finally getting the strength and courage to face the parts of me I have drunk down for years and years. The only way I know to do it is work hard at my AA program, which keeps me sane, alongside my therapy. I hope I get better at handling this stuff, I am sure I will. I know that I have to attempt new strategies when I go into these dark spaces; I have to reach out and talk to people. I just sink deeper and deeper into my head and self and that is not a pleasant place to be. I guess I have to apply the same principles that I learn in AA when working with my dissociation and memories. Sometimes it feels just easier to hide, but the truth is, it is so much harder and it hurts so much more when I do that. Experience is teaching me this. Just like my drinking stopped working for me, so is my running away from my feelings and so is my shutting out everyone and everything that is there to help me get better. Slowly learning my lesson… slowly…