Cycles

The depression is real. I feel it like a weighted blanket. It is comfortable I guess. I am tired. I keep thinking I would be better off dead. I have little energy to make it… to do life. Today I slept in a bit, then went for a run whilst S rode alongside me. We were out for about two hours. It was a good effort. So even though I’m running, I’m exhausted you know. I’m doing the right things. I need to pray more. I miss God but let’s face it even when I had God I was depressed. Maybe there was hope. I feel like I’m in a battle. I want to change things up but can’t muster up energy. What to do? I’m in a constant state of confusion again. On Tuesday interstate for a conference and I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to staying in a hotel. I need to request a bath. I am so desperate for a bath. I’m going to stay in the hotel and order in and sleep. Then the conference will be very busy. Wednesday is my job interview for the job I’m in. I’m nervous. I feel uninspired. I want to tell them to F off but I would never do that. I want to run away, but I would never do that. Today I thought about buying a super cheap house in the middle of rural Australia and just laying low until life is over. Because when I try to make meaning it doesn’t seem to last. I’m not sure if that’s the depression speaking.

2 thoughts on “Cycles

  1. It sounds like depression speaking. Absolutely. So sorry you are gripped in its throes. God is still there, waiting for you. Have you tried any antidepressant meds? Some can be helpful. Sometimes a change helps. I finally found one that works for me. Hang in there. You are worth it.

    1. Thanks Janet. I do take an anti depressant but just weave in and out of it. It’ll be okay. It passes. Thanks for reaching out

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