The depression is real. I feel it like a weighted blanket. It is comfortable I guess. I am tired. I keep thinking I would be better off dead. I have little energy to make it… to do life. Today I slept in a bit, then went for a run whilst S rode alongside me. We were out for about two hours. It was a good effort. So even though I’m running, I’m exhausted you know. I’m doing the right things. I need to pray more. I miss God but let’s face it even when I had God I was depressed. Maybe there was hope. I feel like I’m in a battle. I want to change things up but can’t muster up energy. What to do? I’m in a constant state of confusion again. On Tuesday interstate for a conference and I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to staying in a hotel. I need to request a bath. I am so desperate for a bath. I’m going to stay in the hotel and order in and sleep. Then the conference will be very busy. Wednesday is my job interview for the job I’m in. I’m nervous. I feel uninspired. I want to tell them to F off but I would never do that. I want to run away, but I would never do that. Today I thought about buying a super cheap house in the middle of rural Australia and just laying low until life is over. Because when I try to make meaning it doesn’t seem to last. I’m not sure if that’s the depression speaking.
Published by Leni
I am a 40 year old woman and survivor of ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I am always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was (am) extremely disconnected from the way that I felt (feel) in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kick started my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am over six years sober now and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. View all posts by Leni