Yesterday my therapist reminded me I am adult. The adult part of me wants to work together with my system as a team. I saw a picture of somebody hanging. Then I just felt despair. I recognised it was a feeling – a memory state of despair. My T says that is my memory and that’s the bit I think, “really, is it?” And she says, yes, and I need to validate it otherwise the parts will feel mistrust again.
I spoke about a part coming up who really doesn’t like my partner S. I am going to compare what my adult self and this part feels about S so I have record.
Adult part: S is very kind and smart and loving and funny and a bit nerdy and strange. She is quite innocent, very beautiful, creative, a good conversationalist, caring, full of life, witty, talented, clean, organised, careful, mature, considerate, healthy and wise. She is also soft and sweet and thoughtful. She is politically minded and wants to contribute to the world we live in.
The part that doesn’t like her thinks that she is too young and naive and is going to change her mind and move on and then say “I was only in my 20s back then, i didn’t know what I was doing.” She is too skinny and immature and taking advantage of everyone until she gets her shit together.
The tension is that my adult self does feel concerned about the age difference so this part gets triggered by that. It’s a delicate balance of working out what’s my stuff vs the parts stuff. My T suggested the best thing I can do is to work on my attachment issues and regain a sense of self so that if anything happens, then I know that I am okay to face it. I have a lot of attachment and betrayal trauma issues but I don’t feel I understand this very much so it plays out unconsciously. I have quite a limited understand of attachment and betrayal, so need to read more about it.