New rules

No celebrating Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter or my birthday. Christmas remains obligatory for now, but simple with quick escape routes.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, I knew it was coming and I was a little concerned but probably didn’t give it the attention it deserved – in terms of preparing myself for the day. I said yes to go to S’s mums for brunch. I felt reluctant but obliged but I also value her family so wanted to be part of. When we arrived there was a bit of waiting around. Her mum had set up the table so nicely and laid out croissants and hot cakes and tea. Finally the rest of the family arrived and we all ate and I was starting to get triggered. The niceties, the presents, the care, the ease. I know they’re family isn’t perfect but it is very foreign to what I experienced growing up. We didn’t really celebrate Mother’s Day and now, being estranged, I find the event difficult to engage with. I said to S after brunch, “can we go home” and she said yes but was taking her time. Eventually I took some dishes to the kitchen and I said, “I’m at capacity” and we got the hell out of dodge. I’d pretty much dissociated by then. Later, I went and got my nails done (aw, pretty) and then crawled into bed and napped. By evening, my little ones had come out and just sat silently on the couch and then we went to bed by 7:00 pm.

Today was back to it with a 6am boxing class and work. Nice to be back to “normal.”

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