I’m having some transference with my therapist lately which I guess is a good thing. Better with her than others I guess. My parts feel like she hates them. I think it’s one part in particular. T said she came out last week but I don’t remember that much. I must write down what happens otherwise i forget.
I am very dissociative and little tonight. I am in bed and I put a folded dry clean towel between my legs. It helps me feel safe. I think it’s because without it, I feel like I can’t walk. I feel it between my legs and it makes me feel a bit safer I guess.
T said the parts need to be able to come out more and be held by me, but I think what happens is that they come out and then I just dissociate and forget to soothe them or help them. It’s hard to put that into practice still. But I will get there. Mostly I’ve just gone internal as of late. There’s a lot going on but I can’t really say it. I am in my head. It feels lonely there but it’s very distracting and there is always a lot to do.
My beautiful friend J is in hospital and she had her first round of ECT. I hope it helps her. It has been a rough ride.
I have to reapply for my job so feel very stressed and overwhelmed. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and go do something different with my life. Although I have done well to create meaning and purpose I often think what is the point. Maybe I should move to another country and be a missionary or something, to get out of self and just serve other people. What’s the point of trying to serve self? It seems like an endless selfish pursuit for nothing.