I’m having some transference with my therapist lately which I guess is a good thing. Better with her than others I guess. My parts feel like she hates them. I think it’s one part in particular. T said she came out last week but I don’t remember that much. I must write down what happens otherwise i forget.

I am very dissociative and little tonight. I am in bed and I put a folded dry clean towel between my legs. It helps me feel safe. I think it’s because without it, I feel like I can’t walk. I feel it between my legs and it makes me feel a bit safer I guess.

T said the parts need to be able to come out more and be held by me, but I think what happens is that they come out and then I just dissociate and forget to soothe them or help them. It’s hard to put that into practice still. But I will get there. Mostly I’ve just gone internal as of late. There’s a lot going on but I can’t really say it. I am in my head. It feels lonely there but it’s very distracting and there is always a lot to do.

My beautiful friend J is in hospital and she had her first round of ECT. I hope it helps her. It has been a rough ride.

I have to reapply for my job so feel very stressed and overwhelmed. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and go do something different with my life. Although I have done well to create meaning and purpose I often think what is the point. Maybe I should move to another country and be a missionary or something, to get out of self and just serve other people. What’s the point of trying to serve self? It seems like an endless selfish pursuit for nothing.

7 thoughts on “Update

  1. I do not think you serve yourself. You reach out to others through your boxing group and other ways. Being a missionary is one specific way to help others. You are in a position to reach out because of your experiences and successes and even failures. No one brings the exact potential to the table that you do. And the power of film! How myriad are the messages you can relate! You have come so far. I am in awe of you. Keep going.

  2. Come be a missionary in the US! We could hang out together and maybe even have a little bit of fun. You are a big help to me, you know. I think we forget that that we are a person, just like everybody else,and we deserve attention and care for ourselves, just as we offer it to others.

    Reapply for your job? How stressful! Do you have to do this every year?

    1. Thank you Jean. You are a big help to me too. The way my contract is set up is that I have to apply every three years, which is now. It’s a crappy system, it really is. But I gotta do it as I need a job! I do like my job I just don’t like the way the University structures their contracts as they can feel very disempowering. I guess if I had to go for another job I would need to do an application for that so I am just trying to reframe it. I appreciate you writing.

      1. I’ve never heard of such a system. Don’t know if you have tenure in Australia, but it sounds like a sure way of denying tenure to everybody…and keeping salaries lower?

      2. Yes it’s definitely problematic. If they want to keep staff “fresh” there are other ways to do it. Like invest in their career progression, make them accountable, make expectations clear etc etc. I am finding it more triggering than I thought. As though I have to prove myself, not worth it, feel deflated and resentful I have to “sell” myself. I’m sure there’s past stuff here but can’t really work it out. Just got to get application done.

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