In and out of.

I’m in and out of depression. Mostly in. It’s been hanging around for about a week. The online group I attend helps me. I feel like they are the only people I truly feel safe to just show up and be. That’s rare for me. I don’t have to lead, or be responsible for anything. I just have to attend and they get it. 110 per cent. I got through today with a clearer head and then the darkness returned. It’s not even darkness, it’s flatness, but it’s heavy – like a weighted blanket. I don’t want to be looked at or touched or talked to. I just want to be alone.

Last night in therapy a couple of things happened. Firstly I met an 80 year old part. She was so deeply tired and exhausted by life. She was just sitting in a chair and waiting to die. I can’t even remember much else but I remember my therapist saying we could help her die. I think that’s the right thing to do. Maybe next week. My T also said something about dealing with the positive and negatives / the internal split. I am experiencing this now. I have some exciting things going on in my life, yet I feel so depressed and am having difficulty waking up and getting motivation for anything. What’s happening internally is just not matching what’s happening externally, yet it’s like this trigger/ this switch has gone off and I can’t seem to find any equilibrium.

It could be: (and this is just me riffing with my parts/ beliefs):

  • Good things can’t happen to bad people
  • I’ve seen such bad things / horrors that it doesn’t matter what good happens nothing will take that away (is that loyalty to those parts who have endured)?
  • Don’t pull me into your fake goodness, cos it’s not real.

I’m expecting an aha moment. I don’t think I’m going to get it just yet. I just gotta ride through this. I know it will pass. It always does.

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