Is it western privilege to have purpose in life? To have a vision? As God opens my heart, my vision has expanded to be more of a set of principles and pursuits to embody and learn to enact rather than something to achieve. Yet, I won’t lie, I want to be one of those people who bound out of bed each day focused on fulfilling their life purpose. Is it selfish to want purpose? Perhaps if it is at the cost of others, then that’s not fair. But if it’s for others then it must be okay. Am I afraid of having a purpose? I feel a bit terrified thinking about it. So I want it, but I don’t. There goes the push pull of confusion again.
When I was in my twenties, the time of life when I lived mostly in my head, I used to be full of creative dreams and grandiose vision. Yet it had no form, no shape, no sustainability. It was borne out of fear and desperation. As though to fulfil something meant I could eventually escape me. Of course that’s not possible. Wherever I went, I came with me. So I eventually had to wrestle with the damaging beliefs inside my head (I’m still wrestling) and the absolute lack of self esteem that I carried. Oh how it weighed me down. Then the depression really came and the battle with self. To stay sober, to stay focused, to stay hopeful, to stay on track. And just making it through life each day carrying all that meant I never really thought much about purpose and dreams. In fact, my dreams had been shattered and I was just trying to piece my self together. Now, some sort of mosaic has taken shape and I am starting to consider purpose, meaning. Beyond what is the point of life. More, what do I want life to look like and be like? Can I make a difference? What would it mean to make a difference?
I feel selfish writing this! I feel embarrassed to dream and imagine. I feel ashamed and privileged and undeserving. I feel like an imposter.
I am developing a vision slowly. I am working on being a better person and how I can safely uncover the repressed disempowering beliefs inside of me. The more I emancipate myself, the more I help do this for others. I am allowed to have space in this world. I can do this ethically and collaboratively and transparently and with integrity, even if inside I feel really scared and not good enough still.