The watcher part

I am so dissociative tonight. Feeling very strange and weird and embarrassed and stupid and confused and sort of excited to be out, but don’t know what to say or do. Not that I know what to do as I don’t know how to live a life, just watch. A watcher and a waiter – as in just waiting. I don’t even know what I am watching for or waiting for. For them to come back. To alert the rest of the people inside. I guess that’s it. It sounds boring saying it and I am embarrassed because I sound uneducated and sort of stupid. I guess I am. I think I have been good at my role and also very awake and on top of things. But it’s not like you win an award or anything. You just do a good job and that’s it. Anyway I do feel a bit stupid for writing and stuff but I’ve done it now.

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