I went to the beach today with S and sun baked and read a book. She went for three swims and i went for one. I am scared of the ocean so I couldn’t go far out. I tense my body and feel on edge most of the time. I did well considering and enjoyed being in the water with her. I ended up getting quite burnt, even though we put on sunscreen. I feel sun kissed tonight and a bit out of it. I finished reading a book, “Fight Like a Girl” by Australian feminist author, Clementine Ford. It was excellent and has challenged a lot of my beliefs and thinking around feminism, men and gendered violence. I realise how much I have perpetuated gendered violence against myself and other women. How much I have just accepted that men rape and abuse and they won’t change so it’s up to me to change/ the way I interact with them, where I go, what I wear, what I say etc. how much I have oppressed myself. The way I’ve toyed with me and desired them, played to their affection, been blinded by it. The way I married my ex husband because I thought no man would ever love a dissociative ritual abuse survivor like me, with multiplicity. How I have thought all I have been good for is sex. That’s my power. Might as well own it. How I used to want to be called a f**k slut, dirty, filthy slut. I wanted to be his whore/ in the early days. How I was operating so unconsciously and these deep seated beliefs were buried but actively playing out in distorted ways. Yuk. No self esteem, so needing, wanting / desperate for a man to say something nice, no matter who he was. I needed to be affirmed.
Sometimes I still count ex lovers, to remind myself of what I don’t know. Power? Regrets? Moments I was free or crazy or attractive or wild or in control?
I used to have a recurring nightmare. I would stand on a pathway looking out to the beach and a wave, like a tsunami wave, would come crashing over. It was so high and I would be swept out into its waters. My therapist would analyse this and tell me, I was being drowned by a sea of repressed emotion. My inner emotional landscape activated. Burying me.