I am at the conclusion for my PhD. Unbelievable. So my head is very “in it” and it is hard for me to think about much else. But I traipsed off to therapy tonight, determined to focus on some body work memory. We caught up a bit and then I wanted to get straight into it. I sat on the floor and tried to relax and breathe and focus on my breath. It was difficult though. I couldn’t concentrate, I was distracted. Too many thoughts, so T helped me. She encouraged me to locate a part of my body that felt pain, and it was my lower abdomen (again). So we talked about what to do and she suggested I move my hands on it and so I did and I said it felt disgusting. She got me to keep breathing and to try and give voice or sound to the pain. I did my best, saying “ow” and groaning and stuff. Then she suggested I lie down and so I did and I shook a bit and kind of cried. But then I felt like I was making it all up because I didn’t have a visual narrative. T said that this was memory and it was important I believe it. Then my parts asked her if she had dealt with clients who had levels inside their system and also programming to die. She said yes. That made my parts feel secure. T told me that one of the best ways to help the parts who believe in the suicide programming and stuff is to slowly challenge their beliefs. So if a part is being silenced or something, then I could say, “I know you believe that but I am going to say it (or draw it) because my role is to challenge what they have told you and show you that they are lies.” I hope I can do that. I want to challenge their lies. I believe in breaking the silence.
Tonight’s session felt anti climatic. I know my head is in the PhD so I am grateful my system is on board to get this done. I do feel as though, if I don’t go into full regression mode or walk away dissociative or in some sort of heightened terror state, that I haven’t really done it right. As though the worse I am in the session, is evidence that my memories are real. I do understand they are cellular body memories. I just have this belief they need to be visual images, and that there will a clear narrative – from start to finish. I just see black.
The other night I dreamt of dark satanic things and on a blackboard were the words “Delta”. I woke feeling very fearful and triggered, but otherwise it has been a very focused time.
Next week is a week off, and I will be finished with my PhD final draft and will actually get to rest and have some days to zone out.