When my partner tells me she is not getting her needs met by me, I get triggered as my brain goes into “I’m bad, have done something wrong, I’m a screw up” mode. This is not helpful to the situation because I get defensive, I withdraw and shut down. I feel attacked, when she has a right to say what she feels and what she needs. I feel like I am being told off.
We talked it out. I recognised this is what happens to me. I feel terrible I can’t just accept what she has to say and take it on. I want to find another way to respond. I worry I am not built for relationships, although I love being in them and enjoy them, I can feel trapped and scared. S is a very good partner. She is very loving and attentive and mature. She is organised and clean and respectful and funny and friendly and likes to do things together. She genuinely loves me and wants to be my life partner. Sometimes I find it a bit hard to believe and want to sabotage things. I don’t really know why she likes me so much. I mean I do, but my parts feel suspicious. I wonder who she will become as she grows older. I wonder who I will become. The thing with D.I.D is there is a constant metamorphoses of change. Some things remain consistent I guess. I am working on stability and noticing what remains the same. Exercise, my love of dogs, baths, writing, creating, seeing movies. These are things that are consistent and have always been in my life. For the last 15 years I guess.
It’s okay to relax and have a simple life.