Sometimes

Tonight’s topics at codependents anonymous were “self love” and “self acceptance”. I err on the side of negativity. I don’t have either, I think. The truth is I practice both, albeit clumsily at times. Self love was first going to see a therapist when I kept shutting down in one of my first relationships. When things got vulnerable, I would dissociate, black out, pick a fight, sabotage. It was hard stuff. Yeah, I couldn’t stick the therapy out at the time, but there was a desire to get help. That is self love. I kept trying to practice self love by doing lots of things to make me think and feel better- self help tapes, exercise, wheatgrass shots, writing, doing real estate courses, studying neuro linguistic programming and hypnosis. The list went on. I tried to practice so much self help to gain self love and none of it worked, but the point is I was trying. What I needed was self acceptance first. I got that in AA when I finally admitted I was an alcoholic. Things began to get better from there. Now, as i start to focus on my emotional, mental and spiritual recovery, I am at a new point with self acceptance and self love. I want to accept myself and love myself, but sometimes I don’t think I can. Sometimes I don’t think I am capable of doing that.

I wrestle and fight with my inner world. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I am totally unsure if I can live a normal life. Stable. Not normal. My life won’t ever be the husband, two kids, house. It’s not me. But just functional and without drama. Safe. Television news and weekend documentaries. I want it and I don’t. Sometimes I think I will just go live in Africa for a couple of months and teach English or help build things or do whatever needs to be done to be of service. Just to get out of this western world and way of being. In my head. I am addicted to fantasy. It’s linked to the dissociation. It was my way of escaping. I struggle to be present. It was my way of coping. I chose strategies to cope. I am not coping anymore. I am safe. I am living. Sometimes.

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