Home church, denial and more EMDR

I’m a bit dissociative tonight as two significant things happened last night and today. Let me start with last night. I went to a small home church, led by the woman Deborah, who was co host and support during the radio interview last week. She told me that she held the group every second Thursday and that three SRA survivors attended, along with her daughter (a survivor of narcissistic and emotional abuse and neglect). I asked if I could attend and she told me she had to get permission from the group first. They said yes and so last night I showed up (half hour late- eek!!) and met two of the women (G & E) and Deborahs daughter. Deborah made soup and we sat and ate it and then basically told our stories. I realised how fragmented survivors memories are as their stories were hard to follow as they jumped all around timelines. I’m sure I did too. I guess that is usual when you’re mind has been split. I told my story, or at least part of it, but I just felt like maybe it wasn’t as bad as these women and that I was probably making it up. It was a really good night but I left feeling pretty dissociative and reverting back to denial and confusion. I will definitely go back tho as I have been wanting to go to a home church for many years now and I feel like God has delivered. I don’t want to go to normal church anymore, it feels too triggering. I just want to be with other survivors who believe in God and connect with Him outside of the structured and what I think is false framework of the church.

I had therapy today and I told my T about how I left feeling in denial and second guessing my story. Maybe I was just making up being SRA and wanting to be cool or different or something. We just talked about the evidence I had and also my body memory last week. Towards the end of the session we did some EMDR based on the belief that “I am making things up, I am a liar”. I just felt sadness and hurt come up and then I felt a shift in that belief. We stopped for a bit and then T asked if any parts wanted to join in with the EMDR on the new bit and I sensed my denier part was going to join in. We started it again and I was just repenting and inviting Yeshua into the process, putting the lies that I believed back onto the abusers. I felt sadness again and then anger… deep anger. We stopped and I just told T that I didn’t feel like I could move (it was a part), the part said she couldn’t get up from the floor, she was drugged. I asked if T would hold my hand and help me get up from the chair I was sitting in. She did and I got up and then just started shaking, I was in so much pain. It didn’t last too long and then I felt so tall! I said “am I tall?” and T said it was just because I was dissociating and the parts are small so through my eyes the world and body is very big. I felt like a giant! That was the end of the session and I just came home and worked the rest of the day, so it wasn’t too bad. But I feel a bit small tonight and in parts.

I feel exhausted too. As though I can no longer hold the memories down or stay silent. I’m not sure what this means though. So far to feel the memories body wise has been hard but not as bad as the surface effects that come out when I am trying to keep them at bay/ like depression and suicidal ideation and negative thinking and emptiness etc. I guess it will all come out in Gods time. I just got to trust that.