Yesterday morning I woke from a horrible nightmare. It’s hard to recall now and I wish I had of written about it earlier. From what I recall, the dream was set at my uncles house and there were all these dark evil gothics who were trying to get in to attend a party. They were going to kill me. I remember bags of rubbish outside the house and trying to barricade myself in. I remember calling out to God and in the dream I knew he was going to help, even though it didn’t feel like it. This was unusual as I have rarely been able to “take positive action” in my dreams. I remember waking up in parts, so scared, and full of fear based terror, I genuinely thought I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed that day. I had set a run date with a friend and I knew I couldn’t cancel but I also couldn’t imagine moving. Thankfully I found myself getting out of bed and I met her at 7am and we ran and the feelings of dissociation and terror passed. By the time I got to work I had forgotten all about it and was in a better state. Praise God I have work and running.
Published by Leni
I am a 40 year old woman and survivor of ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I am always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was (am) extremely disconnected from the way that I felt (feel) in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kick started my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am over six years sober now and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. View all posts by Leni