Today was the first day of semester and it was really awesome and overwhelming. I have 16 high achievers in the masters course I teach and they are all very intense.
I feel empowered in this space; strong and capable and in control/ in a fun way. Relaxed I guess.
Now in bed, I’ve gone internal and blank again. I should write how I feel, yet I just continue to feel misery and dis-ease with self. The feelings of shame and disgust permeate me. I am distracted from them during the day. I like to keep myself so busy I don’t notice they are there. When I stop and I see myself in the mirror, I am embarrassed. I still don’t see the point of living. But again, when I am distracted and busy, I have purpose and I forget I want to die and that I am hating on myself.
What am I meant to do to move into self care and compassion?
- Be gentle to myself
- Hold my toys
- Stroke my arm and say “there there” to my wounded parts.
Okay. I will do these things and then go to sleep.