Start of semester

Today was the first day of semester and it was really awesome and overwhelming. I have 16 high achievers in the masters course I teach and they are all very intense.

I feel empowered in this space; strong and capable and in control/ in a fun way. Relaxed I guess.

Now in bed, I’ve gone internal and blank again. I should write how I feel, yet I just continue to feel misery and dis-ease with self. The feelings of shame and disgust permeate me. I am distracted from them during the day. I like to keep myself so busy I don’t notice they are there. When I stop and I see myself in the mirror, I am embarrassed. I still don’t see the point of living. But again, when I am distracted and busy, I have purpose and I forget I want to die and that I am hating on myself.

What am I meant to do to move into self care and compassion?

  1. Be gentle to myself
  2. Hold my toys
  3. Stroke my arm and say “there there” to my wounded parts.

Okay. I will do these things and then go to sleep.

2 thoughts on “Start of semester

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