It’s been a rough few days of poor mental health and dissociation. Thursday I woke to a note on my car, alerting me to my terrible parking standards (I didn’t realise but I had parked sloppily). The note wasn’t enough of a point for this person, who had bent and twisted my windscreen wiper. I couldn’t get it down so basically had to drive with it sticking half way up and then drove with it damaged when it rained, which was really unsafe. This kind of stuff rattles someone like me. I know it sounds stupid but I feel attacked and as though I attracted it- I made it happen. I’m seeing a bit of a link here between how the perpetrators made me feel (it’s all my fault, I brought it on myself, I made it happen). It’s good to make this connection as I haven’t been able to do that before. Then that day I had some trouble with a student at work who is filming at the moment. He is a nasty piece of work and has a very high ego and thinks he is better than everyone else. I called him and his team on a decision they made, which was highly problematic and he went for me. He sent an email that basically said I was unprofessional and contradictory etc etc. I responded very calmly and handled it well but nonetheless it really played on my mind and by the end of the day I was a dissociative wreck. I will meet with that student this week, along with other staff, who think his email was out of line, and I feel confident I can handle it, but it has triggered me bad. S was also filming from Thursday and I started to feel dissociative as soon as she was gone. I could feel my co dependency kick in and just went into this kind of numb like avoidant state. I knew she was having the best time and I felt like because her career hasn’t even started yet, that once it takes off, she’s just going to leave me and I am going to be all alone. Fear and abandonment plagued me and by Saturday I was just super dissociative. Plus I knew it was a big satanic ritual day so I felt really triggered and on high alert. I had this massive migraine that had been there since Thursday and wasn’t going away. I kept busy on Saturday and just worked on my computer, which can be very distracting and comforting for me as it keeps me focused on something other than my thoughts. Then C came over to see my new apartment and we chatted for a bit and then S came home and she was all super high and talkative and over taken by her filming experience and all I could think of was how selfish I was being for not being supportive and for being in parts. Then C left and S was very sensitive to my mood but eventually I explained a bit about how I was feeling and that I was in parts. Once she realised that she was less triggered herself and she explained to me that it was okay for me to have feelings and to be scared. It is so foreign to me to validate feelings. I feel so freaking bad for having feelings, for having an emotional response. Then my little parts came out and S suggested we watch a kids movie so we chose “Inside Out”. My parts really liked it because even though it was Disney (Walt Disney was a 33rd degree Freemason and involved in mind control), the film taught us about the role of different feelings and also about how memory is stored. Then when we went to bed my little little parts asked S where she went for the last few days and she explained and they cried and said they didn’t know and asked why she didn’t tell them. I didn’t realise that my mind is so separated that I need to explain all these things. Today I woke feeling a lot better and finally adult, after quite a few days. I am still in this massive codependent fear based state about S. Like why am I with someone so young and I’m really feeling like she is going to change her mind and leave me. I didn’t realise abandonment was so strong within me. I wish I knew why I felt that way/ what it was linked to in my childhood.
Published by Leni
I am a 40 year old woman and survivor of ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I am always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was (am) extremely disconnected from the way that I felt (feel) in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kick started my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am over six years sober now and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. View all posts by Leni