Today was a good day after a week of dissociation and feelings of disgust and body dysmorphia. I saw J and it was so good to hang out. I never give these things enough time, scared of connecting, yet she is easy to connect with and I felt rushed for time. I was annoyed at myself for not giving her longer. I wanted to hang out and just play a game or chill and watch tv. She’s the type of person you could do that with and for me that is rare to find.
Tonight was home church. I met a new person and D spoke of having an end of year celebration and going away for a couple of nights on a big cruise ship! It feels weird to be invited but I am grateful and excited. One of the women there triggers me, but I know it’s our parts and I think (hope) I have enough recovery to work through it. We listened to some songs by Lauren Daigle and the lyrics brought tears to my ears. It’s about shedding shame, that always gets me. That was it. D prayed for us at the end and then we left. What a radical reframe of church – just what I was looking for. Praise Yeshua. On my drive home, i listened to a Christian speaker Baxter Kruger, who really blew my mind. I’m pretty sure he was talking about God being for everyone and that we were never separated. It’s just the darkness that keeps us in denial from the love and light. It’s made me think, maybe God really does love me. Maybe they were lying to me, and He is real and seeks relationship with me. Little ol’ me? Mmh….