When I am here I am present and alive and motivated and sharp. I am not really present though. I’m in and out of my body, my mind. I look funny, act funny, am funny.
Recently I’ve been under attack. Drama queen. I’m buried, depressive, flat lining. In part, I’m focused and together and on top of things. Life’s fractured.
We split up. I split up with him. Ran off with her. So damn in love, afraid to admit it to anybody but her. Our secret. Just in case it wears off. Like in the past. I was once trusted, now no more. I’m a born liar. Mop up the tears, drain the past.
It wasn’t like it was a love story. We were alcoholics. I was looking for a father. A security blanket. I liked motorbikes. I needed distraction. He was co dependent on me, I Him. I just wanted to be held and rocked to sleep. He snored. He was good to me, why did I run. Why was I so cold? Was I? I did my best but I changed and he changed and I never knew who I was and I hated being so mixed up. I felt like no one else would get me or be with me because of the parts. He was a safe bet, loving. I thought I could grow old with him. Plagued by guilt, regret, sadness. Let grief be. It’s allowed. Stop burying. We were two avoidants. It’s all my fault.
I asked God for pictures. He gave me nightmares I couldn’t remember. He gave me the remnants of disgust and stifled panic. He gave me everything, I am nothing.
Tomorrow I’ll run. I’ll run till it hurts. I’ll run till my chest heaves. I sweat. Tomorrow it will rain. It will rain when I run fast. I’ll shower in the rain. Tomorrow it will cool down. Tomorrow I will cool down.