I dissociated last night. I went to boxing and it really triggered me. It was a fighters class. A woman I was partnered with in the sparring warm up drills was really tough and going at me quite hard. I kept freezing and not being able to respond, instead I just got hit lots. The woman who owns the gym could see and pointed it out a few times but it made me feel really self conscious and embarrassed. My parts started going off and I felt so bad and like a real loser. It took me back to when I was fighting and lost and it felt like further evidence that I was no good and shouldn’t be there. The trainer talked to me half way through and said that it was mental and physical, so if I could hold more balance in my body that might help. I could feel the tears welling up and I was trying to stop myself from crying but I couldn’t hold it in. I apologised and she said it was okay and was nice about it, but the effects of the experience had shook me and I walked outside and burst into deep, heavy tears. After about ten minutes I came inside just to grab my bag and the trainer asked me if the crying was good. I said, “it doesn’t feel good. I’m embarrassed”. She told me i shouldn’t feel that way (easier said than done) and asked me if that often happens. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I mean, yeah, sometimes, I guess. I felt even worse- as though I was in the wrong place and shouldn’t have brought my stupid trauma with me. I was a burden. I left and cried in my car and then the little ones came out for the rest of the night. They had been wanting to come out for a while. I went to bed dissociative and today am still shaken by the experience.
The other upsetting thing is that at the boxing, writing workshop I am running, i sparred with one of the girls and like the woman was hard with me last night, I was kind of hard with her. I certainly didn’t punch so hard but there was a flurry of punches which really threw her. She froze like me and couldn’t respond. It really triggered her and she cried afterwards. I stayed and we talked it through and we spoke on text the day after And we agreed that the experience was positive although it brought up a lot of stuff for her. Yesterday she texted me to say she wasn’t going to come to Saturday’s workshop as the sparring really screwed with her head and she needed some time off. I feel really bad and am assuming all responsibility. I shouldn’t have suggested going into the ring without more consideration. I feel terrible for hurting her and triggering her and subsequently am very triggered myself. Then being so crap at boxing last night just made me question why the hell I am even running these workshops as I don’t know what I am doing. I haven’t experienced this amount of self loathing in a while and it feels terrible.