Published by Leni
I am a 42 year old woman and survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I was always on the go and doing things.
I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was extremely disconnected from the way that I felt in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31.
I went into AA and that really kickstarted my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am in my tenth year of sobriety and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity.
This is a blog about Dissociation, Satanic Ritual Abuse, God and other stuff.
I live in Melbourne, Australia. Please stick around and share your thoughts too.
View all posts by Leni
My life as a dissociative 
Thank you for this! You’ve truly made my day!
That’s awesome thanks. I found your interview terrific- especially the part when you talked about how your alternates (I think that’s what you refer to your parts as??!), started to play out their being in second life. It’s just amazing how virtual worlds can become unconscious playgrounds – much like art in general. I wonder how many others are doing this in these spaces unbeknownst to them or themselves. Anyway I related to your story and glad I found you.
‘Alternate’ is the clinical term. To me they’re sometimes interesting and sometimes annoying people. Virtual World’s can be a real asset to people, it took me years to learn how to use them. Thank you for visiting my blog. I’m glad I met you, too. 🙂
Do you mean virtual worlds are annoying or your alternates?
My alternates, I sometimes find them annoying. I think virtual worlds can be dangerous for people with DID. There is always the risk that VR will make traumatic dissociation worse.
That’s interesting. Yeah i guess the subconscious power of images could have a negative impact as it might bring up material one isn’t ready for yet.
Reblogged this on Art by Rob Goldstein and commented:
It’s life affirming to see how we touch each other’s lives as bloggers.
You know, I must say that I have been sober now, 11 years. I did not join AA, did it all by myself. That being said, my brother is an AA member and what you mentioned in your post here, is one of the reasons I have an issue with their platform. It appears to keep people prisoners and living in fear, terror in some cases. Because I know he feels he needs them, I say nothing to him against what they teach him. He is sober and feels stronger and healthier as a result. Guess we may all need different things, eh?
That’s impressive 11 years sober on your own. Good to know you can do it w/out AA. It’s certainly not the diatribe spouted. I felt I needed The group too, but it was just a false lie I believed. Either way, it did serve it’s purpose and I am just glad I was thinking critically the whole time and challenging the beliefs that were based in fear. As a survivor of ritual abuse, to me, AA has cult characteristics and buyers beware… 🤓
Peace be with you, Leni! ❤