Hello my name is Driava. I have just been released from my job as a Prison Guard. I am 29 years of age and have been guarding the doors of a very large prison full of disowned parts, supposedly bad children and other wretched things. When Jesus and I opened up the prison gates, we found a lot of sick children. Also there were many dead people. Jesus brought in an army of angels, with hospital beds and tonight they are cleaning up the mess. I even saw someone hanging from the ceiling and a small child huddled over in the corner. I feel bad that I just stood out the front, smoking cigarettes, staring up at the sky. It was mainly black though and I never saw much. I just did my job. They paid me for it to begin, but I spent the money. I haven’t been paid for a long time, but I suppose I have had nothing to buy. I feel depressed that I didn’t do anything. Jesus spoke to me about forgiveness and that I could forgive myself, like He has forgiven me. I asked Patricia how long I should spend in feelings of guilt. She told me that as soon as I recognised the feeling, I should let it go. So I visualised the guilt as a square object and Jesus took it away. Some of it still lingers though, or is it sadness? Yeah, its sadness. My job now is to write, though I am struggling with self belief. I want to tell my story but I have been in the dark for so long. I used to think of stories late at night. I have not slept for 29 years. That is a long time to be awake, thinking of things. I never had a pen or paper or computer, so I was not able to write anything down. Tonight will be the first night that I sleep and I am looking forward to it. I no longer have to wear a uniform too. When I was a guard, the children used to scream out for me to help them. Their screams would pierce the air and I would shut my ears tight to muffle out the sounds. I thought they would never break me.
Alter Prison Guard Released.
Published by Leni
I am a 42 year old woman and survivor of satanic ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I was always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was extremely disconnected from the way that I felt in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kickstarted my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am in my tenth year of sobriety and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. This is a blog about Dissociation, Satanic Ritual Abuse, God and other stuff. I live in Melbourne, Australia. Please stick around and share your thoughts too. View all posts by Leni
My life as a dissociative 
Hi Driava, nice to hear from you. Im very happy you were released from your former job and that through that major achivement you also released all those lost and hurt children.
Guilt is tricky… but I agree that you should be allowed to let that go. You never chose to become that, you were forced and scared. Now that you see that you have a choice, the children were set free and taken care off.