Seven sleeps to go and I will be married. It all seems so unreal to me. I never thought i would get married. In fact, I was anti-marriage (for me, not others). I thought it was patriarchal and the idea of being with the same person forever scared the hell out of me (me who was notorious for having affairs and who loved to be in relationships, but could never fully commit). And now, that same woman is getting hitched. Oh deary me! I am even wearing a white wedding dress. Granted M is twenty years older than me, he has been married before, has three adult kids and we are walking down the aisle together… So it isn’t truly conventional, but it is very surreal. I mean we are talking about a woman who was in a lesbian relationship for years, had trouble with intimacy unless it was of the “dirty kind”, didn’t believe in monogamy and wasnt afraid to say that she found women whose only dream of glory was their wedding day…. well, just terribly sad. Aagh. Yep I have definitely changed. I don’t feel like me, but then again I have never felt like me. I do like this side better- more grounded, two feet in, willing, open, prepared to commit, to be faithful and to be rigorously honest. I know this is Gods work. M accepts my dissociation and alters and doesn’t seem to bat an eyelid at any of the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth at times. He doesn’t buy into my crap or let me beat him down as much as my (parts) have wanted to. I have had parts want to destroy him – show him who’s boss – and he has always continued to show love. I still find it weird. I am thankful. This whole thing wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t sober so I thank God for that.
Published by Leni
I am a 40 year old woman and survivor of ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I am always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was (am) extremely disconnected from the way that I felt (feel) in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kick started my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am over six years sober now and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. View all posts by Leni