Dissociative Flashbacks

Last night I had bad terrors and tremors and felt like I had taken a bad trip or something. There were just so many parts coming out and thinking and talking and wondering where the hell they were. Some were on guard, another was just so, so sad and another really wanted to go for a long walk. It was night time and my fiancé wasn’t going to let that happen. I am not sure what the trigger was but I shared at a rehab for women who were detoxing off drugs and alcohol and their stories were pretty horrific so maybe that set me off. Then when is got home M and I had a steam bath (he has set up this DIY outdoor portable steam bath, which is pretty funny but works really well). In the steam bath when I was alone I bowled over in the most intense pain and let out a silent powerful scream. Oh the pain of it all, I felt like I was giving birth. Yukky yuk yuk. I wish I could have memories so I don’t just get all this horrible internal pain and bodily reactions. I wish I could pin point it on something. Thankfully I had my stuffed leopard and penguin and everyone fell asleep in the end. Today I wish I could hide in bed but I off to work. I won’t let this beat me.

4 thoughts on “Dissociative Flashbacks

  1. Boy do I understand your pain. I have the disorder and I didn’t know it until my late thirties. It is a rough road to be on, but when these memories come, scary and painful as they may be, keep talking about them, because in the end, eventually they will be replaced with wonderful, soothing memories more powerful than the bad.

    1. Thanks for your comment and understanding. I have been wanting my memories for so long, simply because I have always felt like I was missing a huge chunk of me. Everything in my past was black, it still feels black but I have discovered parts of self that give me hope that I can find all of me along this road… eventually.

      1. Make no mistake. I do not make light of the road to memory reload, but I found it to be very hard to swallow at times and even harder to accept. Keep your courage and support and you will be fine, I’m sure of that much.

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