Last night I had bad terrors and tremors and felt like I had taken a bad trip or something. There were just so many parts coming out and thinking and talking and wondering where the hell they were. Some were on guard, another was just so, so sad and another really wanted to go for a long walk. It was night time and my fiancé wasn’t going to let that happen. I am not sure what the trigger was but I shared at a rehab for women who were detoxing off drugs and alcohol and their stories were pretty horrific so maybe that set me off. Then when is got home M and I had a steam bath (he has set up this DIY outdoor portable steam bath, which is pretty funny but works really well). In the steam bath when I was alone I bowled over in the most intense pain and let out a silent powerful scream. Oh the pain of it all, I felt like I was giving birth. Yukky yuk yuk. I wish I could have memories so I don’t just get all this horrible internal pain and bodily reactions. I wish I could pin point it on something. Thankfully I had my stuffed leopard and penguin and everyone fell asleep in the end. Today I wish I could hide in bed but I off to work. I won’t let this beat me.
Published by Leni
I am a 40 year old woman and survivor of ritual abuse. I have dissociative identity disorder and experience complex PTSD symptoms. Despite this, I am relatively high functioning and tend to be very active and engaged in life. I started remembering my abuse at around the age of 25. Prior to that I had no solid memory of my childhood and things just felt blank. I was programmed to keep very busy in order to forget my abuse and so I am always on the go and doing things. I was lucky to find an interest in the creative arts and filmmaking, so my pursuits have mostly been very stimulating and enjoyable, though hard work. Almost everything I did kept me away from myself and I would say that I was (am) extremely disconnected from the way that I felt (feel) in general. I always felt something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. When I discovered I had been sexually abused as a child, it was like my whole world changed and everything that I had felt or experienced prior to this was a lie. Everything, yet nothing, made sense. I wanted to pursue recovery and wholeness immediately, but the more I tried to do this, the more walls I kept hitting. Programming was inbuilt in me to 'not remember' and I thought I would die if I did. The paradox was, that I longed to die, and suffered suicidal ideation on an almost daily basis for over ten years. I had used drugs and alcohol from the age of 13 to self soothe and medicate and the turning point for me was when I hit a rock bottom with drinking at the age of 31. I went into AA and that really kick started my journey of recovery. I learnt how to deal with life without picking up a drink or a drug and most importantly, I was led to my real saviour, Jesus Christ. Almost a year into being sober, I started hearing voices. I had heard these voices for a long time but had stifled them with alcohol and drugs. The voices were extremely loud and negative and told me to kill myself. I sought psychotherapy and prayer ministry and it was through these experiences that I discovered I had dissociative parts of self (multiple personalities). Since accepting this, I have definitely started to get better, although it has been a long journey. I am over six years sober now and on a very personal, determined journey to find myself within my fragmented identity. View all posts by Leni